If you've read all of my blog entries then you'd know I am going through a transitional phase of my life where I am letting go of the past and creating my future (with the help of positive thought and the universe). So, the fifth writing prompt of the #Reverb10 project wants to know:
December 5 - Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why? (Author: Alice Bradley).:
Ouch! This prompt hurts a bit. It conjures up a bunch of feelings that I've just spent months trying to purge. Yikes! So this 'person' (insert derogatory name here) has asked me to rehash the stuff I've been trying to clear from my life. To relive the pain? Okay, maybe not, but why am I getting so bent out of shape about this one? Well, they do say, 'the truth hurts'. So, maybe there is some truth to that statement. Oy vey!
So, here it goes. Here's what comes to mind without having to actually delve into all this crap again. I will just scrape the surface so as not to bore you nor to inflict pain, yet again, to myself. The main thing that comes to mind that I actually regret and will work to repair is how I fucked up my relationship with my brother. Basically, I hadn't seen him in years, he came down to visit, and I guess I had all this resentment built up for YEARS and years and it basically spilled out in one of my maniacal rages. Unfortunately, he was an innocent victim and I feel terrible that I treated him this way. Especially since he doesn't know who I am as an adult and how out of control I could (used to?) get.
A person or relationship that I totally let go of was someone who I was 'expected' to be friends with. Well, actually, I wrote this person off a long time ago but what I held on to (up until this year) was the resentment I felt. Yes, I was probably hurt as well. But, I should have known better. I knew who she was, the kind of person she is, and I should have known better. Never mix business with pleasure (another saying that holds true). Basically, shame on me for knowing who she is (her moral character) and expecting that she would act differently knowing her actions and words in other scenarios. There really is nothing lost since we never had a deep connection. Besides, I always felt like she was putting on an act and was just fulfilling her wifely obligation (since our husbands are the true friends in this relationship). Ultimately, I'm just angry at myself for knowing better from the beginning yet still working for free out of the goodness of my heart. And, then in the end, getting my ass burned. It still sucks but instead of blaming her I just blame myself and have learned the lesson to go with my instinct next time and not mix business with pleasure.
The final relationship that I let go of this year was with my father. It is the most painful relationship of my past and every time I tried to repair it, it was like opening up a new wound. Through the explicit honesty of some of my previous blog posts and confessions to the hell he put me and my family through I feel a little better. At least I feel like the sore that would never heal has finally scabbed over and is just about to fall off on it's own. It is sad that I don't have a relationship with my father but it is necessary. For a long time I was pissed that he did not make an effort to be a part of his grandchildren's lives and then I realized something so important. Why would I want inject the person to cause me pain throughout my life into the lives of my children? The people who know them and love them unconditionally are the ones that have been there from the beginning. And they are the ones that matter. Protecting my kids is my number one responsibility and shielding them from my father is of the utmost importance. They don't need the drama and neither do I.
So, as sad as it is to be compelled to cut out people from your life (or to 'let them go') it is sometimes necessary for one's growth and prosperity of spirit. I am in such a better place mentally and spiritually than when I first started Buzz Buckingham. I am still on a journey to positivity and self-awareness and acceptance. I am grateful that these folks provided an opportunity for me to learn about myself.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Creating Something Amazing - I Wonder
Hmm...this one has me stumped. Yes, I had to consult the dictionary to see what "wonder" truly meant. So, my interpretation is amazement. Which leads me to the fourth prompt from the #Reverb10 challenge:
December 4 - Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year? (Author: Jeffrey Davis).:
Okay, first, let me say that the reason this one threw me off a bit is that I thought to myself, "Who am I to think that I can actually do something to cause a sense of wonder or amazement? I'm not all that and forget the bag of chips. I'm just me."
So, I thought about it a different way and since writing, at this point, is really just for me to help me cope with my thoughts and feelings and because it is a form of cheap therapy it makes sense that my answer to this question has to relate to me. Damn, am I selfish. Oh well, tough shit. If I'm not gonna think about myself, then who is?
The answer to the question is that I am the one that cultivated the sense of wonder in my life this year and I did it, amazingly, through writing. I did the proverbial shit and got off the pot. I started a blog and began purging my thoughts. And let me tell you, it is a wonder I didn't do this years ago (thank you Mr. Procrastination). It's not that I didn't want to. Believe me, writing has been a goal of mine for the last 15 years. I've dabbled in it but became more serious this year.
2011 will be the year that I fully commit to writing. I already set in place a schedule of which I plan to follow (see previous post) and I may even start today, amazingly! This is my fourth blog post today and I am amazed that I actually did it. I wonder if I will be able to complete another two...yes, I definitely will!
Gee, I wonder why I never thought that I, little old me, could not develop and grow something so marvelous and amazing.
December 4 - Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year? (Author: Jeffrey Davis).:
Okay, first, let me say that the reason this one threw me off a bit is that I thought to myself, "Who am I to think that I can actually do something to cause a sense of wonder or amazement? I'm not all that and forget the bag of chips. I'm just me."
So, I thought about it a different way and since writing, at this point, is really just for me to help me cope with my thoughts and feelings and because it is a form of cheap therapy it makes sense that my answer to this question has to relate to me. Damn, am I selfish. Oh well, tough shit. If I'm not gonna think about myself, then who is?
The answer to the question is that I am the one that cultivated the sense of wonder in my life this year and I did it, amazingly, through writing. I did the proverbial shit and got off the pot. I started a blog and began purging my thoughts. And let me tell you, it is a wonder I didn't do this years ago (thank you Mr. Procrastination). It's not that I didn't want to. Believe me, writing has been a goal of mine for the last 15 years. I've dabbled in it but became more serious this year.
2011 will be the year that I fully commit to writing. I already set in place a schedule of which I plan to follow (see previous post) and I may even start today, amazingly! This is my fourth blog post today and I am amazed that I actually did it. I wonder if I will be able to complete another two...yes, I definitely will!
Gee, I wonder why I never thought that I, little old me, could not develop and grow something so marvelous and amazing.
I'm Alive - That Amazing Feeling
There's a song by E.L.O. (Electric Light Orchestra) that comes to mind when deliberating over the next prompt on the #Reverb10 reflective writing project. I believe it's called, "I'm Alive".
December 3 - Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors). (Author: Ali Edwards).:
If you are a mother who has actually given birth (think about it) there is an indescribable feeling you get that consumes your entire body once you first lay your eyes on your newborn baby. It is what I choose to call "JOY". Joy, in my mind, is the feeling I had when I first laid eyes on my first born son, Justin. It is the culmination of every single entire emotion possible and covers the entire spectrum of possible feelings. Joy is so consuming that it fills every inch of your body and electrifies every neuron and electron. Joy brings tears to your eyes and pastes a smile on your face at the same time. Joy tightens your throat and makes your heart pound. Joy is LOVE.
We were approaching the dorm on September 24, 2010, my mom's 70th birthday. We were all in my mom's 1995 Beige Toyota Camry and drove the one and a half hours to Greensboro, NC. It was parent's weekend at the college and while David was home working, my mom, Nicolas, and I decided to take a long weekend and visit Justin for the first time in six weeks. We had gone six long weeks without seeing Justin; the longest it's been for everyone.
It is crazy to think that one day you are holding your child for the first time and eighteen years later you are letting them go on their own. You somehow have to trust within yourself that you did everything you could as a parent to protect them and prepare them for the world beyond your borders. They are now at the mercy of the 'real' world and themselves. You hope that you've equipped them with the proper skills to make moral decisions and at times you fear that they will be gobbled up by the overwhelming sense of becoming a follower just to 'fit in' and be accepted. Perhaps I was projecting my own sense of fear brought on by my insecurities and lack of self-confidence which made me fall prey to outside influences during my freshman year of college?
But as we parked the car in front of the dorm and texted Justin to let him know we'd arrived I couldn't control my anticipation of what he'll look like, how he'll act. It was almost as if he was being re-born. Not as a baby, but as a man. What should I expect? How will he look? Will he appear happy? How will I know if he's been well-nurtured?
The day was sunny, warm, with a bright blue sky. As Justin ascended the steps and recognized our car. I just couldn't control myself. My body took over and I leaped out of the car, got to the sidewalk and hugged my son with wreckless abandon and was completely oblivious to the public display of affection of which I initiated. It was instinctual, it was emotional, and raw. I cried like a baby. Relived that I had accomplished my goal. My child had made it to college! The icing on the cake was he looked GREAT! He let me hug him and actually reciprocated. He was dressed nicely in a tangerine, collared, short-sleeved shirt with new shorts. His hair was cut short and shaped beautifully. His beautiful brown skin was clean-shaved, smooth, and glowing. He smiled and then I knew he was doing well. I had done a great job as a mother. I loved him and he knew it. And I might even be so bold as to say, he missed me and he loved me. Boy, I'm getting choked up even as I confess this realization.
It is the best feeling to recognize yourself, pat yourself on the back, and sincerely know that you've done a wonderful job in raising a beautiful person. This is what successful parenting is all about.
December 3 - Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors). (Author: Ali Edwards).:
If you are a mother who has actually given birth (think about it) there is an indescribable feeling you get that consumes your entire body once you first lay your eyes on your newborn baby. It is what I choose to call "JOY". Joy, in my mind, is the feeling I had when I first laid eyes on my first born son, Justin. It is the culmination of every single entire emotion possible and covers the entire spectrum of possible feelings. Joy is so consuming that it fills every inch of your body and electrifies every neuron and electron. Joy brings tears to your eyes and pastes a smile on your face at the same time. Joy tightens your throat and makes your heart pound. Joy is LOVE.
We were approaching the dorm on September 24, 2010, my mom's 70th birthday. We were all in my mom's 1995 Beige Toyota Camry and drove the one and a half hours to Greensboro, NC. It was parent's weekend at the college and while David was home working, my mom, Nicolas, and I decided to take a long weekend and visit Justin for the first time in six weeks. We had gone six long weeks without seeing Justin; the longest it's been for everyone.
It is crazy to think that one day you are holding your child for the first time and eighteen years later you are letting them go on their own. You somehow have to trust within yourself that you did everything you could as a parent to protect them and prepare them for the world beyond your borders. They are now at the mercy of the 'real' world and themselves. You hope that you've equipped them with the proper skills to make moral decisions and at times you fear that they will be gobbled up by the overwhelming sense of becoming a follower just to 'fit in' and be accepted. Perhaps I was projecting my own sense of fear brought on by my insecurities and lack of self-confidence which made me fall prey to outside influences during my freshman year of college?
But as we parked the car in front of the dorm and texted Justin to let him know we'd arrived I couldn't control my anticipation of what he'll look like, how he'll act. It was almost as if he was being re-born. Not as a baby, but as a man. What should I expect? How will he look? Will he appear happy? How will I know if he's been well-nurtured?
The day was sunny, warm, with a bright blue sky. As Justin ascended the steps and recognized our car. I just couldn't control myself. My body took over and I leaped out of the car, got to the sidewalk and hugged my son with wreckless abandon and was completely oblivious to the public display of affection of which I initiated. It was instinctual, it was emotional, and raw. I cried like a baby. Relived that I had accomplished my goal. My child had made it to college! The icing on the cake was he looked GREAT! He let me hug him and actually reciprocated. He was dressed nicely in a tangerine, collared, short-sleeved shirt with new shorts. His hair was cut short and shaped beautifully. His beautiful brown skin was clean-shaved, smooth, and glowing. He smiled and then I knew he was doing well. I had done a great job as a mother. I loved him and he knew it. And I might even be so bold as to say, he missed me and he loved me. Boy, I'm getting choked up even as I confess this realization.
It is the best feeling to recognize yourself, pat yourself on the back, and sincerely know that you've done a wonderful job in raising a beautiful person. This is what successful parenting is all about.
Procrastination Station - Next Stop? Facebook!
Why, oh why do I procrastinate?
December 2 - Writing. What do you do each day that doesn't contribute to your writing - and can you eliminate it? (Author: Leo Babauta).:
Day 2 prompt of the #Reverb10 writing project really hits home with me. Perhaps it is an example of why I am completing day 2's writing assignment on day 6!? What do I do each day that doesn't contribute to my writing? First thing that comes to mind is...Facebook! While Facebook has been a blessing to me ever since I signed up over a year ago it is a source of my procrastination especially with respect to my efforts in writing. Specifically, those damn games! I know, I know, what is a 45-year-old woman doing playing games on Facebook? Well, I'll tell you (and here's where the excuses/explanations come in). Farmville, Frontierville, Zynga Poker, and Bejeweled Blitz are my de-stressers. They enhance my creativity (where oh where should I place my new gingerbread house?), strengthen my reading skills (does that guy have a flush or is he bluffing?), and create an outlet for me to be number one among my friends (or at least try). Yes, these all sound like reasonable pursuits but, really? I mean really! Yes, I am guilty of playing games and I am addicted to Facebook.
So, an addiction is getting in my way of writing. Yes, I could spend less time eating (another addiction of mine). I could shut off Dr. Phil, Rachael Ray, The View, and All My Children (my daytime television addictions). But, will I? Could I? Should I? Hmmm...let me think....let me write....Please help me eliminate these addictions which are disguised as roadblocks to my ACHIEVEMENT (see previous blog entry and writing prompt for December 1).
Okay, yes, I think I can reduce or try to control these addictions. I can map out a schedule for writing time, Facebook time, eating time, and t.v. time. Yes, it will take commitment on my part but that is what New Year's resolutions are for, right?
So, let me get a general outline of my time commitment to writing:
Monday through Friday: 5:30 a.m. to 10; 12:00 p.m. to 1; 2:00 p.m. to 4; 6:00 p.m. to 8. = 9.5 hours!
Saturday: 4:00 p.m. to 10. = 6 hours
Sunday: 10:30 a.m. to 1; 6:00 p.m. to 10. = 6.5 hours
TOTAL per week = 60 hours
60 hours a week sounds like a full-time job to me! So, if I can really stick to this schedule I can make a career out of writing? I guess the true test will be to complete a novel, find an agent, and get it published? No problem, only every one and their mother wants to be a published author, right? Well, we'll see.
If Snooki can publish a book, can't we?
December 2 - Writing. What do you do each day that doesn't contribute to your writing - and can you eliminate it? (Author: Leo Babauta).:
Day 2 prompt of the #Reverb10 writing project really hits home with me. Perhaps it is an example of why I am completing day 2's writing assignment on day 6!? What do I do each day that doesn't contribute to my writing? First thing that comes to mind is...Facebook! While Facebook has been a blessing to me ever since I signed up over a year ago it is a source of my procrastination especially with respect to my efforts in writing. Specifically, those damn games! I know, I know, what is a 45-year-old woman doing playing games on Facebook? Well, I'll tell you (and here's where the excuses/explanations come in). Farmville, Frontierville, Zynga Poker, and Bejeweled Blitz are my de-stressers. They enhance my creativity (where oh where should I place my new gingerbread house?), strengthen my reading skills (does that guy have a flush or is he bluffing?), and create an outlet for me to be number one among my friends (or at least try). Yes, these all sound like reasonable pursuits but, really? I mean really! Yes, I am guilty of playing games and I am addicted to Facebook.
So, an addiction is getting in my way of writing. Yes, I could spend less time eating (another addiction of mine). I could shut off Dr. Phil, Rachael Ray, The View, and All My Children (my daytime television addictions). But, will I? Could I? Should I? Hmmm...let me think....let me write....Please help me eliminate these addictions which are disguised as roadblocks to my ACHIEVEMENT (see previous blog entry and writing prompt for December 1).
Okay, yes, I think I can reduce or try to control these addictions. I can map out a schedule for writing time, Facebook time, eating time, and t.v. time. Yes, it will take commitment on my part but that is what New Year's resolutions are for, right?
So, let me get a general outline of my time commitment to writing:
Monday through Friday: 5:30 a.m. to 10; 12:00 p.m. to 1; 2:00 p.m. to 4; 6:00 p.m. to 8. = 9.5 hours!
Saturday: 4:00 p.m. to 10. = 6 hours
Sunday: 10:30 a.m. to 1; 6:00 p.m. to 10. = 6.5 hours
TOTAL per week = 60 hours
60 hours a week sounds like a full-time job to me! So, if I can really stick to this schedule I can make a career out of writing? I guess the true test will be to complete a novel, find an agent, and get it published? No problem, only every one and their mother wants to be a published author, right? Well, we'll see.
If Snooki can publish a book, can't we?
In One Word?...Relief!
Okay, so I signed up to participate in a writing project called "#Reverb10". Why? Well, I was inspired by my long-time friend and former college roomie, Lisa, who has accelerated leaps and bounds in her creative writing efforts this year. I also thought making this commitment to write would help me leave my procrastinating behavior in the dust and help me to begin, yet again, my efforts to sort my feelings and purge my thoughts through writing. I also appreciate that each day we are given a prompt that helps us reflect on the past year. As it turns out, in December, I always tend to reflect on what went well, what were my challenges, and how I can make the upcoming new year a fresh start and opportunity to accomplish some of my goals. So, at this point being that it is December 6th, I am a few days behind but I plan to play 'catch up' today so bear with me.
December 1 - One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you're choosing the word. Now, imagine it's one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you? (Author: Gwen Bell):
After a couple of days of ruminating over this first prompt in the #Reverb10 challenge the one word that encapsulates 2010 for me is: RELIEF. It feels like I am breathing much easier in 2010 than the previous year of 2009. I can't help but compare where I was in 2009 versus where I ended up in 2010. No, things are by no means 'perfect' but, as we all know, they never really are. In 2009 I was facing some serious health problems and embroiled in my eldest son, Justin, and his senior year stressors like graduation and college applications and acceptance. Once January 2010 hit I pretty much had my shit together. Basically, there was no other choice. I had completed my FAFSA application on New Year's Day, the first day that it was available. I busted my butt to get my taxes done so that, if and when we found out where Justin was accepted, we would know our financial obligation and potential award.
The next big hurdle was finding out where Justin was accepted and planning college visits during spring break. We had a lovely trip and I was able to organize the entire adventure with visits and hotel logistics in place. And, we actually had a good time! Bonus. Justin was able to decide where he wanted to start his college career and we were all happy and comfortable with his decision.
The third hurdle to overcome was Justin's graduation in June. It may not sound too difficult considering Justin is a good student and quite committed to continuing his education. But, the thing is, in September 2009 when I had my serious health scare, I seriously doubted that I would ever make it til June 2010. In fact, I actually prayed every day that I would live long enough to see Justin graduate. And here I was, sitting in the audience, proud as ever that Justin was graduating and I was there, alive, to see it!
I had been concerned in anticipation of Justin leaving for college that my younger son, Nicolas, would have an extremely difficult time dealing with Justin's absence from home. The thing is, Justin and Nicolas are not only brothers but they are best friends. Yes, there is four and a half years between them but they are extremely close. They have always respected and loved each other and I never, ever had to break up a physical fight. They are brothers, they are each others' protector, and they love each other. So, I wondered what I could do to help Nicolas get involved in something that was his own. Something that would keep him busy and focused on himself rather than the fact that his best friend was away.
Since Nicolas was a baby we were encouraged by complete strangers to get him into modeling. He had an agent when he was eleven months old and did a print job. I took him to New York after agencies expressed an interest and even declined offers for contracts. I just didn't see myself making the commitment to commute from Connecticut to New York as a young mother with a toddler in tow. Looking back now, I wish I had, but, I digress. So, over the years we tinkered with the idea of getting back into it. When we moved to Raleigh, NC I knew we left THE market for major opportunities in the industry. But, as a result of Nicolas being on the City of Raleigh swim team, Nicolas' picture was used in a marketing campaign for the City of Raleigh Department of Parks and Recreation. His image was used in their brochure, a magnet that was sent to residents, and believe it or not, it was used in a poster that is framed at our local Applebee's restaurant! When I was very new to Facebook last year I heard of a Tween Model Search contest sponsored by a local photography studio. Nicolas agreed to participate, did the photo session, and we solicited and campaigned for online votes. Nicolas was one of the 2009 Soul Fusion Photography Tween Model Search winners. We won a free photo session. We ordered some 8x10's. Then, I thought, I should send out his photo and resume to some local agents. In July we were invited to audition for a local agent and Nicolas was signed to a two-year contract. He's done his first taped audition reading for a major cable television show. He's taken a class. He is on his way; pursuing his career and one of his passions. Yes!
As for me? Well, I finally started my blog. No, I don't have any/many followers but I did start the healing within myself and my soul. Writing for me is therapy. I may be the only one listening (or reading) but I am definitely inspired by my writing.
As an aside, I am relieved that my husband is employed. This economy has been disastrous for close friends and strangers. Every one is struggling. My husband works his ass off and while it has not been recognized financially, we are grateful that he has a place to go every day and make a contribution.
Looking ahead to 2011 I anticipate that the word to summarize the year will be: ACHIEVEMENT. I know Justin will do well in college and anything he puts his mind to. I just want him to be happy and fulfilled with whatever he chooses to pursue. Nicolas will take some classes to hone his craft. Nicolas will book print jobs, commercials, and participate in movies and television. He will be a paid actor and model. I will continue to blog (more diligently and frequently) and write my god damn novel! David will be financially recognized for his hard work in 2011.
Final words: Believe and Achieve!
December 1 - One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you're choosing the word. Now, imagine it's one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you? (Author: Gwen Bell):
After a couple of days of ruminating over this first prompt in the #Reverb10 challenge the one word that encapsulates 2010 for me is: RELIEF. It feels like I am breathing much easier in 2010 than the previous year of 2009. I can't help but compare where I was in 2009 versus where I ended up in 2010. No, things are by no means 'perfect' but, as we all know, they never really are. In 2009 I was facing some serious health problems and embroiled in my eldest son, Justin, and his senior year stressors like graduation and college applications and acceptance. Once January 2010 hit I pretty much had my shit together. Basically, there was no other choice. I had completed my FAFSA application on New Year's Day, the first day that it was available. I busted my butt to get my taxes done so that, if and when we found out where Justin was accepted, we would know our financial obligation and potential award.
The next big hurdle was finding out where Justin was accepted and planning college visits during spring break. We had a lovely trip and I was able to organize the entire adventure with visits and hotel logistics in place. And, we actually had a good time! Bonus. Justin was able to decide where he wanted to start his college career and we were all happy and comfortable with his decision.
The third hurdle to overcome was Justin's graduation in June. It may not sound too difficult considering Justin is a good student and quite committed to continuing his education. But, the thing is, in September 2009 when I had my serious health scare, I seriously doubted that I would ever make it til June 2010. In fact, I actually prayed every day that I would live long enough to see Justin graduate. And here I was, sitting in the audience, proud as ever that Justin was graduating and I was there, alive, to see it!
I had been concerned in anticipation of Justin leaving for college that my younger son, Nicolas, would have an extremely difficult time dealing with Justin's absence from home. The thing is, Justin and Nicolas are not only brothers but they are best friends. Yes, there is four and a half years between them but they are extremely close. They have always respected and loved each other and I never, ever had to break up a physical fight. They are brothers, they are each others' protector, and they love each other. So, I wondered what I could do to help Nicolas get involved in something that was his own. Something that would keep him busy and focused on himself rather than the fact that his best friend was away.
Since Nicolas was a baby we were encouraged by complete strangers to get him into modeling. He had an agent when he was eleven months old and did a print job. I took him to New York after agencies expressed an interest and even declined offers for contracts. I just didn't see myself making the commitment to commute from Connecticut to New York as a young mother with a toddler in tow. Looking back now, I wish I had, but, I digress. So, over the years we tinkered with the idea of getting back into it. When we moved to Raleigh, NC I knew we left THE market for major opportunities in the industry. But, as a result of Nicolas being on the City of Raleigh swim team, Nicolas' picture was used in a marketing campaign for the City of Raleigh Department of Parks and Recreation. His image was used in their brochure, a magnet that was sent to residents, and believe it or not, it was used in a poster that is framed at our local Applebee's restaurant! When I was very new to Facebook last year I heard of a Tween Model Search contest sponsored by a local photography studio. Nicolas agreed to participate, did the photo session, and we solicited and campaigned for online votes. Nicolas was one of the 2009 Soul Fusion Photography Tween Model Search winners. We won a free photo session. We ordered some 8x10's. Then, I thought, I should send out his photo and resume to some local agents. In July we were invited to audition for a local agent and Nicolas was signed to a two-year contract. He's done his first taped audition reading for a major cable television show. He's taken a class. He is on his way; pursuing his career and one of his passions. Yes!
As for me? Well, I finally started my blog. No, I don't have any/many followers but I did start the healing within myself and my soul. Writing for me is therapy. I may be the only one listening (or reading) but I am definitely inspired by my writing.
As an aside, I am relieved that my husband is employed. This economy has been disastrous for close friends and strangers. Every one is struggling. My husband works his ass off and while it has not been recognized financially, we are grateful that he has a place to go every day and make a contribution.
Looking ahead to 2011 I anticipate that the word to summarize the year will be: ACHIEVEMENT. I know Justin will do well in college and anything he puts his mind to. I just want him to be happy and fulfilled with whatever he chooses to pursue. Nicolas will take some classes to hone his craft. Nicolas will book print jobs, commercials, and participate in movies and television. He will be a paid actor and model. I will continue to blog (more diligently and frequently) and write my god damn novel! David will be financially recognized for his hard work in 2011.
Final words: Believe and Achieve!
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Slowly But Surely - Making Changes & The Words of Others
Wow! I can't believe it's been over a month since my last entry. Well, actually, I can. I never realized I am such a procrastinator. But, the truth is, I am.
All is not lost, however, since the last time I logged in and wrote. I have some accomplishments under my belt (if you can call them that). On a measurable level, for the last three weeks I've been walking for at least 20 minutes for at least three days a week. Now, I know that doesn't sound like much to you healthy and active adults out there but this is a huge step for this obese, couch potato. I just happened to open my big mouth while getting my hair done by my neighbor, Nada, who owns and operates her own hair salon from home. We were talking about our expanding bellies, among other things, and I said, "do you want to start walking in the morning?". As soon as the words left my mouth I had a sense of dread and the feeling of, 'oh shit, I'm making a commitment'. But, Nada was very receptive to my offer. We decided to meet every morning at 7:30 a.m., Monday through Friday, and walk through our lovely neighborhood. I warned Nada that since I am so obese, inactive, and fighting high blood pressure that I may not make it very far. We agreed that something is better than nothing.
The next item is not really an accomplishment, per se, but something I would label as a significant change for the better. I cut my hair...off. Not all of it but it is a drastic change from my previous hairstyle. Before Nada moved her magic scissors she said, "Are you sure?" and I said, "Yes, I'm ready for a change. I'm sick of the same old style. Besides, it'll grow back.". Now, it wasn't like I had a long mane and would be able to donate my hair to some great organization like Locks of Love or anything like that. Basically, I was going from an outgrown, angled bob that just about hit my neck (no bangs, just hanging around my chin). My new style? Over my ears (gotta show off my double piercing), close to the neck, and bangs. Yup, very short. I didn't care if I looked like a dike or man (besides, I have makeup, jewelry, and for the most part I always wear lipstick). I wanted something new, fresh, and light. And let me tell you, when Nada was done, I felt relieved; like a monkey was lifted off my back. I never really had 'long' hair. My hair has always been 'fine' (now it is on the thin side). Every time I've tried to grow out my hair I just couldn't take it. I'd chop it off and be done with it. When it was in vogue I had the Dorothy Hamill, I had the curly perm, and I've even had a punk-style with a 'tail'. I've had every typical hair color under the sun sans green, pink, or blue. Right now, my short hair fits my personality and makes me feel young and rejuvenated. Can't ask for more.
During the last few weeks I have been doing quite a bit of reading. I am a slow reader. I've always been a slow reader. When I was in first grade I had to sit with my mom and read to her while she tape recorded it. Not sure how this was supposed to improve my reading but it did make me embarrassed to hear myself. So, nothing has really changed in the speed department but when I do read it has to be something I am truly interested in or can benefit from. This is why I tend to stick with non-fiction self-improvement types of books. Occasionally I will fit in a fiction book but a good 80% of the material that I read is non-fiction. Even when I go to the library, which is once per week, I go straight to the non-fiction new release shelf. So, here is a short synopsis of what I've been reading and a mini-review, if you will.
Women Food and God by Geneen Roth:
Endorsed by Oprah. Curious about the title although turned off by the word, 'God', because I'm not very religious. It was actually stating obvious things like, "Eat what your body wants...Eat until you are satisfied". So, while restating the obvious I really didn't have a lot of notes taken for this particular book.
The Joy of Appreciative Living - 28 Day Plan to Greater Happiness in 3 Steps by Jacqueline Kelm:
This book is one that happened to call to me from the local library's new release non-fiction shelf. The title is what got me. A bonus was finding out that the author is local to the Raleigh, NC area. Now, this book generated quite a bit of note-taking on my part, which is a good thing. There are a few thought-provoking exercises in the book which is always a plus when you are on the journey to self-discovery. I like how she is relatable and makes the steps easily achievable. She doesn't berate you if you slip up and relates that she is human and has slipped up before. She offers ideas for staying on track. What are the three steps you ask? Well, I don't really want to spoil it for you (because I do recommend this book) but I will say that you will be able to appreciate your life more, increase your joy, and express your gratitude. If you are aching to make a change in your life, set some goals, and accomplish them this book will help you sort it out and motivate you to get started.
Getting The Pretty Back by Molly Ringwald:
Okay, yes I admit, I am a fan of her work and her teen-angst movies spoke to me. I still enjoy watching them and was lucky enough to see her a couple of years ago when she was touring with Sweet Charity. She's always been 'classy' and maybe even a little 'snooty' which I kind of like. This is not your typical 'former-child-actor-sob-story-former-addict-in-recovery' biography. And believe me, I've read the recent Valerie Bertinelli, Mackenzie Philips, Jody Sweetin, Melissa Gilbert, etc. bios (which I've enjoyed - my guilty pleasure). Molly shares her life from childhood to adulthood but weaves the stories within her tidbits of advice for how a 40-something-year-old can recapture her "essential self". It is a good message and there is some 'pretty' good advice but some of the references are out of my price range and lack relatability (this is where the snooty comes in but only a little bit). Read if you are a fan.
If You Have to Cry Go Outside - and other things your mother never told you by Kelly Cutrone with Meredith Bryan:
Yes, even at 45 I must admit that I still watch MTV and have been a victim of the addictive series which include: Laguna Beach, The Hills, and The City. It is sad but true. I have no life and therefore choose to live vicariously through younger, wealthier and better looking women. Oh well, at least I admit it. But, Kelly Cutrone, whom I believe first popped up on The Hills, totally made these type of reality shows realistic. She put the 'real' in reality. Her demeanor and refusal to treat these pampered, privileged kids with kid gloves just melted my heart. I love her honesty and caustic style even though it is a little harsh. But that is just her being her and to me if she is living her authentic life then I want to know how she does it. I love how she doesn't apologize for herself and gives many good doses of tough love. This is the kind of book that I would have benefited from when I was in high school or college. Perhaps I would have mustered up the courage and self-confidence to go for it and fuck everyone else. But I guess it's never too late, is it?
You Can Heal Your Life by Louise L. Hay:
How did I come across this book? My niece who is a successful model in New York shared a list of books and this was one of them. Yes, it is an older book but it is still relevant today. This is an excellent book if you are truly serious about overcoming your past, delving deeply into your pain, doing hard introspective work, and begin to truly heal. It is a book that allows you to be your own therapist at a much cheaper rate. If you are stuck in the past, like I am/was, and desperately want to move on and stop using excuses this is the book to read. Commit to doing the exercises. Spend the time thinking and being honest with yourself. Allow yourself to shed the shit that is holding you back and move on with your life. This book is highly recommended.
Secrets of the Millionaire Mind by T. Harv Eker:
This is another book that will motivate you into the right mindset. It will pump you up and make you realize that what holds us back in life are our thoughts about ourselves. It also makes you realize that we have the power to change our thoughts so that we can get the most out of our lives. We can overcome the past and create a new, fruitful future with the power of our thoughts. Understanding the difference in thought patterns between rich people and poor people and realizing where you fall leads you to believe in the age-old saying, "mind over matter". I believe this is a pre-cursor to The Secret and a lot of the inspiring dialogue which makes you believe anything is possible resonates in this book. This book is like a cheerleader rooting you on toward a touchdown.
Happy - Simple Steps to Get the Most Out of Life by Ian K. Smith:
What attracted me to this book was obviously the title. I also knew of Mr. Smith through his appearances on VH1's Celebrity Fit Club (yes, I am a reality-show junkie). I was surprised to read that he grew up in Connecticut. He even referenced going to the Danbury Fair as a happy moment in his life. So, this book had a comfortable point of reference for me since I grew up in Connecticut as well and I remember the Danbury Fair. The book comes off a little more clinical than I would have liked. I didn't take that many notes and did not finish this book.
Is It Just Me?: Or Is It Nuts Out There? by Whoopi Goldberg:
So, why did I order this from the library and wait for it? Because I watch The View daily and have read most of the other co-hosts' books. It's not that I am a 'fan' of Whoopi; she's okay. Yes, I liked her in The Color Purple and Ghost. She does well as moderator on The View and is more even-keeled than Rosie O'Donnell, that's for sure. But, I watch her mannerisms and expressions on some of the topics and with some of the guests and she comes off as elitist and stand-offish. I notice she bites her tongue an awful lot and sometimes I see the frustration building up...this is kind of fun to watch. So, all those things that she's kept bottled up have been put to paper. Like I really need to hear her kvetching about little annoyances that we all have to deal with. Yes, some are valid complaints (like drunk driving, out-of-control- kids in public places) but in the back of my mind I'm thinking, "you can probably buy your way out of some of these circumstances while the average Joe has to deal with this crap". If her intent is to reach the people who are the offenders of these offenses I doubt she'll reach them; they probably don't read too many books.
So, as you can see I've been quite busy this past month. No, I haven't been raking in the cash. But, I have let go of a lot of extra baggage, crappy thought patterns, and woe-is-me excuses. What I've gained is a new commitment to improve my life, happiness, and quality of life. Has my reading speed increased? Probably not, but I will continue to seek insight and answers in the words of others.
All is not lost, however, since the last time I logged in and wrote. I have some accomplishments under my belt (if you can call them that). On a measurable level, for the last three weeks I've been walking for at least 20 minutes for at least three days a week. Now, I know that doesn't sound like much to you healthy and active adults out there but this is a huge step for this obese, couch potato. I just happened to open my big mouth while getting my hair done by my neighbor, Nada, who owns and operates her own hair salon from home. We were talking about our expanding bellies, among other things, and I said, "do you want to start walking in the morning?". As soon as the words left my mouth I had a sense of dread and the feeling of, 'oh shit, I'm making a commitment'. But, Nada was very receptive to my offer. We decided to meet every morning at 7:30 a.m., Monday through Friday, and walk through our lovely neighborhood. I warned Nada that since I am so obese, inactive, and fighting high blood pressure that I may not make it very far. We agreed that something is better than nothing.
The next item is not really an accomplishment, per se, but something I would label as a significant change for the better. I cut my hair...off. Not all of it but it is a drastic change from my previous hairstyle. Before Nada moved her magic scissors she said, "Are you sure?" and I said, "Yes, I'm ready for a change. I'm sick of the same old style. Besides, it'll grow back.". Now, it wasn't like I had a long mane and would be able to donate my hair to some great organization like Locks of Love or anything like that. Basically, I was going from an outgrown, angled bob that just about hit my neck (no bangs, just hanging around my chin). My new style? Over my ears (gotta show off my double piercing), close to the neck, and bangs. Yup, very short. I didn't care if I looked like a dike or man (besides, I have makeup, jewelry, and for the most part I always wear lipstick). I wanted something new, fresh, and light. And let me tell you, when Nada was done, I felt relieved; like a monkey was lifted off my back. I never really had 'long' hair. My hair has always been 'fine' (now it is on the thin side). Every time I've tried to grow out my hair I just couldn't take it. I'd chop it off and be done with it. When it was in vogue I had the Dorothy Hamill, I had the curly perm, and I've even had a punk-style with a 'tail'. I've had every typical hair color under the sun sans green, pink, or blue. Right now, my short hair fits my personality and makes me feel young and rejuvenated. Can't ask for more.
During the last few weeks I have been doing quite a bit of reading. I am a slow reader. I've always been a slow reader. When I was in first grade I had to sit with my mom and read to her while she tape recorded it. Not sure how this was supposed to improve my reading but it did make me embarrassed to hear myself. So, nothing has really changed in the speed department but when I do read it has to be something I am truly interested in or can benefit from. This is why I tend to stick with non-fiction self-improvement types of books. Occasionally I will fit in a fiction book but a good 80% of the material that I read is non-fiction. Even when I go to the library, which is once per week, I go straight to the non-fiction new release shelf. So, here is a short synopsis of what I've been reading and a mini-review, if you will.
Women Food and God by Geneen Roth:
Endorsed by Oprah. Curious about the title although turned off by the word, 'God', because I'm not very religious. It was actually stating obvious things like, "Eat what your body wants...Eat until you are satisfied". So, while restating the obvious I really didn't have a lot of notes taken for this particular book.
The Joy of Appreciative Living - 28 Day Plan to Greater Happiness in 3 Steps by Jacqueline Kelm:
This book is one that happened to call to me from the local library's new release non-fiction shelf. The title is what got me. A bonus was finding out that the author is local to the Raleigh, NC area. Now, this book generated quite a bit of note-taking on my part, which is a good thing. There are a few thought-provoking exercises in the book which is always a plus when you are on the journey to self-discovery. I like how she is relatable and makes the steps easily achievable. She doesn't berate you if you slip up and relates that she is human and has slipped up before. She offers ideas for staying on track. What are the three steps you ask? Well, I don't really want to spoil it for you (because I do recommend this book) but I will say that you will be able to appreciate your life more, increase your joy, and express your gratitude. If you are aching to make a change in your life, set some goals, and accomplish them this book will help you sort it out and motivate you to get started.
Getting The Pretty Back by Molly Ringwald:
Okay, yes I admit, I am a fan of her work and her teen-angst movies spoke to me. I still enjoy watching them and was lucky enough to see her a couple of years ago when she was touring with Sweet Charity. She's always been 'classy' and maybe even a little 'snooty' which I kind of like. This is not your typical 'former-child-actor-sob-story-former-addict-in-recovery' biography. And believe me, I've read the recent Valerie Bertinelli, Mackenzie Philips, Jody Sweetin, Melissa Gilbert, etc. bios (which I've enjoyed - my guilty pleasure). Molly shares her life from childhood to adulthood but weaves the stories within her tidbits of advice for how a 40-something-year-old can recapture her "essential self". It is a good message and there is some 'pretty' good advice but some of the references are out of my price range and lack relatability (this is where the snooty comes in but only a little bit). Read if you are a fan.
If You Have to Cry Go Outside - and other things your mother never told you by Kelly Cutrone with Meredith Bryan:
Yes, even at 45 I must admit that I still watch MTV and have been a victim of the addictive series which include: Laguna Beach, The Hills, and The City. It is sad but true. I have no life and therefore choose to live vicariously through younger, wealthier and better looking women. Oh well, at least I admit it. But, Kelly Cutrone, whom I believe first popped up on The Hills, totally made these type of reality shows realistic. She put the 'real' in reality. Her demeanor and refusal to treat these pampered, privileged kids with kid gloves just melted my heart. I love her honesty and caustic style even though it is a little harsh. But that is just her being her and to me if she is living her authentic life then I want to know how she does it. I love how she doesn't apologize for herself and gives many good doses of tough love. This is the kind of book that I would have benefited from when I was in high school or college. Perhaps I would have mustered up the courage and self-confidence to go for it and fuck everyone else. But I guess it's never too late, is it?
You Can Heal Your Life by Louise L. Hay:
How did I come across this book? My niece who is a successful model in New York shared a list of books and this was one of them. Yes, it is an older book but it is still relevant today. This is an excellent book if you are truly serious about overcoming your past, delving deeply into your pain, doing hard introspective work, and begin to truly heal. It is a book that allows you to be your own therapist at a much cheaper rate. If you are stuck in the past, like I am/was, and desperately want to move on and stop using excuses this is the book to read. Commit to doing the exercises. Spend the time thinking and being honest with yourself. Allow yourself to shed the shit that is holding you back and move on with your life. This book is highly recommended.
Secrets of the Millionaire Mind by T. Harv Eker:
This is another book that will motivate you into the right mindset. It will pump you up and make you realize that what holds us back in life are our thoughts about ourselves. It also makes you realize that we have the power to change our thoughts so that we can get the most out of our lives. We can overcome the past and create a new, fruitful future with the power of our thoughts. Understanding the difference in thought patterns between rich people and poor people and realizing where you fall leads you to believe in the age-old saying, "mind over matter". I believe this is a pre-cursor to The Secret and a lot of the inspiring dialogue which makes you believe anything is possible resonates in this book. This book is like a cheerleader rooting you on toward a touchdown.
Happy - Simple Steps to Get the Most Out of Life by Ian K. Smith:
What attracted me to this book was obviously the title. I also knew of Mr. Smith through his appearances on VH1's Celebrity Fit Club (yes, I am a reality-show junkie). I was surprised to read that he grew up in Connecticut. He even referenced going to the Danbury Fair as a happy moment in his life. So, this book had a comfortable point of reference for me since I grew up in Connecticut as well and I remember the Danbury Fair. The book comes off a little more clinical than I would have liked. I didn't take that many notes and did not finish this book.
Is It Just Me?: Or Is It Nuts Out There? by Whoopi Goldberg:
So, why did I order this from the library and wait for it? Because I watch The View daily and have read most of the other co-hosts' books. It's not that I am a 'fan' of Whoopi; she's okay. Yes, I liked her in The Color Purple and Ghost. She does well as moderator on The View and is more even-keeled than Rosie O'Donnell, that's for sure. But, I watch her mannerisms and expressions on some of the topics and with some of the guests and she comes off as elitist and stand-offish. I notice she bites her tongue an awful lot and sometimes I see the frustration building up...this is kind of fun to watch. So, all those things that she's kept bottled up have been put to paper. Like I really need to hear her kvetching about little annoyances that we all have to deal with. Yes, some are valid complaints (like drunk driving, out-of-control- kids in public places) but in the back of my mind I'm thinking, "you can probably buy your way out of some of these circumstances while the average Joe has to deal with this crap". If her intent is to reach the people who are the offenders of these offenses I doubt she'll reach them; they probably don't read too many books.
So, as you can see I've been quite busy this past month. No, I haven't been raking in the cash. But, I have let go of a lot of extra baggage, crappy thought patterns, and woe-is-me excuses. What I've gained is a new commitment to improve my life, happiness, and quality of life. Has my reading speed increased? Probably not, but I will continue to seek insight and answers in the words of others.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
One Year Later
Last year, fall 2009, I was enmeshed in a health-crisis whirlwind.
I had my first "episode" at the end of August. I was with my mom and son and we were sitting in the movie theatre on a Friday night watching the premiere of the Adam Sandler movie, Happy People. My symptoms were: cold sweat, heart palpitations, and dizziness. I thought I was having a heart attack. I made it through the movie but I prayed the entire time that I could just make it home and then I would be okay. I convinced myself, 'maybe I'm having a mild heart attack', really? I thought if I used the 'power' of my mind to talk myself into changing habits (like eliminating salt, going on a diet, and 'calming' myself down) that I would somehow be okay. It worked for about two weeks until I had another 'attack'.
I was home alone, taking a shower, and the attack began. I tried so hard to use the power of my mind to control the palpitations and intense fear. I had visions of people finding me later in the day, naked, in the shower with the water still running. Dead of a heart attack. Thankfully, I was able to finish the shower and place a call to my husband. "If you find me dead when you come home just know that I love you". He came home less than 30 minutes later. Again, I was able to calm myself down but subconsciously I knew at that point the gig was up. I had to face my fear and go to the doctor to get checked out.
Friday morning, 9/11/2009, I showered, dressed, and told my husband, "please drop me off at the emergency room". I had finally mentally prepared to face my situation head on and deal with what was going on with me. Wake Med is known for it's cardiac care unit and as I entered and explained my symptoms I was treated swiftly and without delay. They treated me as a cardiac-care patient. Blood pressure (220/140), chest x-rays, ekg, and even a chest CT scan. They had to rule out a pulmonary embolism. I was there for a good four hours. The diagnosis: panic attack!? I received a referral to a cardiologist.
The following week I received the results of my CT scan in the mail. "A 3cm right adrenal mass likely benign adenoma". What the hell is an adenoma? Of course that's when I ran to the computer and feverishly Googled and researched what the hell I had. 'Benign' made me think cancer. Adenoma - tumor. Okay, so maybe I have a benign tumor? Then I looked up all of the adrenal diseases and their symptoms and worked myself into a frenzy. Who wouldn't?
In the mean time, I met my cardiologist, Dr Wesley. He is awesome, let me just say. His manner is very calm, explanatory, and understanding. He recommended an endocrinologist and scheduled a stress test. My blood pressure was 212/134 and the goal was to get this under control. He assured me this could be done once we found out how my heart looked. I passed the stress test and my heart looked good. Start checking off the list.
I had my first MRI (scary and expensive) and met with my endocrinologist. Don't know if it's cancer. They don't like to cut you open if the tumor is less than 5cm because it's too dangerous and the adrenaline surge (i.e. increase in blood pressure) could kill me. But, I was asked to get another MRI in six months (that would be June 2010).
In the spring of 2010 at a follow up visit with Dr. Wesley my blood pressure improved and we were on the road to getting my body under control. I did not get my MRI in June because basically, I can't afford it. We have a crappy high deductible insurance plan with Blue Cross/Blue Shield ($2600 per year) and any money I do have needs to go to my son's asthma medications and doctor visits. Yes, a poor excuse but the reality of my situation (and I'm sure a lot of other Americans).
So, today, a little over a year since I first met Dr. Wesley and had my office visit I've made significant progress in controlling my blood pressure. Today it was 130/90. Quite a vast improvement from 220/134! The hiccup is my weight of which I've gained 22 pounds. Even though I've cut out salt and have amended the way I eat and move it seems that I have a new challenge. Well, not actually new but, something fresh to 'get under control'. Weight has been a life-long struggle but I have a fresh perspective.
I've been reading many self-improvement and non-fiction books lately to open my mind in the realm of healing through changing my thought patterns. I believe many reasons for my physical appearance stem from the childhood experiences and emotional torture that I 've been through. I recently read You Can Heal Your Life by Louise L. Hay. I just finished Secrets of the Millionaire Mind by T. Harv Eker. Today I began reading Women Food and God by Geneen Roth. I am opening myself up to the possibilities that I can promote change within myself by changing the way I think. I am open to learning about myself, where I've come from, where I am now in my life, and where I'm heading. I know that I am the only one responsible for me. I will create my own happiness in this life.
I am my own business. What I want matters. I control my destiny. There is power in my thoughts. I will continue to clear the file cabinets of my mind. To release the toxins and resentments and make room for positivity. That is my mission at this point. Everything else will fall in line. I have faith in myself.
I had my first "episode" at the end of August. I was with my mom and son and we were sitting in the movie theatre on a Friday night watching the premiere of the Adam Sandler movie, Happy People. My symptoms were: cold sweat, heart palpitations, and dizziness. I thought I was having a heart attack. I made it through the movie but I prayed the entire time that I could just make it home and then I would be okay. I convinced myself, 'maybe I'm having a mild heart attack', really? I thought if I used the 'power' of my mind to talk myself into changing habits (like eliminating salt, going on a diet, and 'calming' myself down) that I would somehow be okay. It worked for about two weeks until I had another 'attack'.
I was home alone, taking a shower, and the attack began. I tried so hard to use the power of my mind to control the palpitations and intense fear. I had visions of people finding me later in the day, naked, in the shower with the water still running. Dead of a heart attack. Thankfully, I was able to finish the shower and place a call to my husband. "If you find me dead when you come home just know that I love you". He came home less than 30 minutes later. Again, I was able to calm myself down but subconsciously I knew at that point the gig was up. I had to face my fear and go to the doctor to get checked out.
Friday morning, 9/11/2009, I showered, dressed, and told my husband, "please drop me off at the emergency room". I had finally mentally prepared to face my situation head on and deal with what was going on with me. Wake Med is known for it's cardiac care unit and as I entered and explained my symptoms I was treated swiftly and without delay. They treated me as a cardiac-care patient. Blood pressure (220/140), chest x-rays, ekg, and even a chest CT scan. They had to rule out a pulmonary embolism. I was there for a good four hours. The diagnosis: panic attack!? I received a referral to a cardiologist.
The following week I received the results of my CT scan in the mail. "A 3cm right adrenal mass likely benign adenoma". What the hell is an adenoma? Of course that's when I ran to the computer and feverishly Googled and researched what the hell I had. 'Benign' made me think cancer. Adenoma - tumor. Okay, so maybe I have a benign tumor? Then I looked up all of the adrenal diseases and their symptoms and worked myself into a frenzy. Who wouldn't?
In the mean time, I met my cardiologist, Dr Wesley. He is awesome, let me just say. His manner is very calm, explanatory, and understanding. He recommended an endocrinologist and scheduled a stress test. My blood pressure was 212/134 and the goal was to get this under control. He assured me this could be done once we found out how my heart looked. I passed the stress test and my heart looked good. Start checking off the list.
I had my first MRI (scary and expensive) and met with my endocrinologist. Don't know if it's cancer. They don't like to cut you open if the tumor is less than 5cm because it's too dangerous and the adrenaline surge (i.e. increase in blood pressure) could kill me. But, I was asked to get another MRI in six months (that would be June 2010).
In the spring of 2010 at a follow up visit with Dr. Wesley my blood pressure improved and we were on the road to getting my body under control. I did not get my MRI in June because basically, I can't afford it. We have a crappy high deductible insurance plan with Blue Cross/Blue Shield ($2600 per year) and any money I do have needs to go to my son's asthma medications and doctor visits. Yes, a poor excuse but the reality of my situation (and I'm sure a lot of other Americans).
So, today, a little over a year since I first met Dr. Wesley and had my office visit I've made significant progress in controlling my blood pressure. Today it was 130/90. Quite a vast improvement from 220/134! The hiccup is my weight of which I've gained 22 pounds. Even though I've cut out salt and have amended the way I eat and move it seems that I have a new challenge. Well, not actually new but, something fresh to 'get under control'. Weight has been a life-long struggle but I have a fresh perspective.
I've been reading many self-improvement and non-fiction books lately to open my mind in the realm of healing through changing my thought patterns. I believe many reasons for my physical appearance stem from the childhood experiences and emotional torture that I 've been through. I recently read You Can Heal Your Life by Louise L. Hay. I just finished Secrets of the Millionaire Mind by T. Harv Eker. Today I began reading Women Food and God by Geneen Roth. I am opening myself up to the possibilities that I can promote change within myself by changing the way I think. I am open to learning about myself, where I've come from, where I am now in my life, and where I'm heading. I know that I am the only one responsible for me. I will create my own happiness in this life.
I am my own business. What I want matters. I control my destiny. There is power in my thoughts. I will continue to clear the file cabinets of my mind. To release the toxins and resentments and make room for positivity. That is my mission at this point. Everything else will fall in line. I have faith in myself.
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