Reasons to Move

I didn't really have high expectations after the fourth week on my weight loss journey because, frankly, I thought I gained (menstrual) weight.  I tend to bloat big-time during the week of monthly hell when my friend pays a visit.  Yep, even at my increasing age Flo says 'hello'.  But,...

I'm down 12 pounds after four weeks of following the Diet Center program.  That averages to about three pounds a weeks which is still good especially considering my lack of exercise.  Yes, every week I vow to start moving my fat ass and every week I fail.  Now that the weather is warming up and spring is in the air I am running out of excuses but I am coming up with reasons to incorporate at least a daily walk into my routine:

• Walking will help my weight loss.
• I can enjoy the blooming buds on the trees and daffodils near the mail box.
• The weather is warmer so the sweat will be sweeter.
• I can enjoy the birds singing and the ducks quacking near the creek.
• I have no excuse not to go outside.
• Walking will get me in shape for all of the yard work I plan to do this spring.
• Fresh air does a body good.
• If I recruit a buddy I will have a partner to help motivate me.

As you can see, there really is no valid excuse not to at least walk in my neighborhood a couple of times a week even if I just start with ten minutes a day.  Oh, and another one I forgot to add to the list...it's FREE!  I thought about perhaps joining Curves (again) but since I don't have access to a car during the week joining is not cost-effective.

I am kind of bummed to find out that the center I go to will be closing at the end of March and the closest office to me is in Cary which is easily 40 minutes away.  I'm not sure I am able to do this on my own quite yet because I enjoy the support from my counselor, my weekly weigh-in by a third party, and the access to their products (which are not required).  I still need a source to hold me accountable for my choices and to steer me in the right direction.  Well, at least I have a month or so to come up with a strategy.

I enjoy real food so Weight Watchers may work for me but the other (two) times I went I ended up pregnant; probably no connection but nonetheless ironic.  But, if I went to a weekly meeting and weigh-in I would get the accountability but no one-on-one counseling.  Nutri-System and Jenny Craig?  Too expensive and I really don't like the pre-packaged food.  Learning how to eat real food and to conduct yourself in real situations especially at restaurants is so important.  Besides, these pre-packaged foods must have chemicals and preservatives in them and I really want to avoid that.  Sensa, again a chemical, seems hokey.  Herbalife never worked for me and living on protein bars is not filling enough for me while I'm feeling deprived.  Doctor weight-loss clinics (like Medifast and Physician's Weight-Loss) seem too expensive.  And, finally, surgery?  Definitely NOT for me!  So, we'll see what I come up with.

"See less of you next week!"

Feeling Good So Soon

When I arrived home last night from my weigh-in I tried to play a little game with my husband.  And since it was Valentine's Day, we made it interesting.  The deal was, if he could guess my total weight loss to date to the exact tenth of a pound then...well, you can figure it out.

Do you believe that bastard guessed it right on the mark?!  I couldn't freakin' believe it.  I insisted he cheated; looked it up somewhere or even called my counselor.  Which, he did not.  But, he was that good, right down to the last ounce.  Total weight loss after three weeks on Diet Center,...11.2 pounds!  And, that is without exercise.  Just imagine what will happen (hopefully) when I actually begin to move my fat ass!

Upon arrival to the DC office and before facing the scale I experienced a sense of dread and trepidation.  I felt that I had succumbed to some old habits last week.  Like, some pita chips with hummus.  Cooking a pot roast with mashed potatoes for Sunday dinner.  Going out to eat at least three times last week can also leave you susceptible to sodium overload.  There were a lot of unknowns.  The thing that helped me keep everything balanced was writing down everything I consumed in my journal, even if it wasn't 'on program'.  I was psychologically preparing myself for a weight gain but, surprise, I lost.

This brings me to something huge that I am beginning to master on this journey to a (hmm) bikini body (hmm, again).  Living your life without deprivation is the only way to live.  Life does not have to stop when you begin to eat healthy.  In fact, it seems that life becomes a rebirth when you are reteaching yourself about what your body needs and wants in order to live and thrive.

For years I became one of the many followers of the belief that 'faster and cheaper is better'.  In fact, faster and cheaper can kill you faster (not sure about cheaper, though).  I now realize that when you look hard enough and contemplate the quality of food that you put in your body sometimes it is worth the cost.  But, it is always more fun trying to find the best and highest quality for the cheapest price.

Aldi is the answer for me.  First, I am very familiar with the layout of the store and I can get a weeks worth of groceries for under $50 in less than 30 minutes.  It has the least expensive fresh fruits and veggies bar none.  There isn't as much variety as say, Lowes Foods where I happen to buy my kale and brussel sprouts, but Aldi can't be beat for broccoli or peppers.  I also like their lean chopped meat and chicken tenders.  One of my favorite quick meals is using the frozen wild-caught salmon at less than $5.00 for a pack of four three-ounce steaks.

So, all this good, healthy food makes me realize that this is how we should treat our bodies every single minute of every single day.  We are all worth the extra effort and the extra dime.  Being selective about what we choose to put in our bodies should be taught from the very beginning.  It takes at least 30 days to break a habit and 30 days to adopt a new habit.  It's a shame that a lot of the obese Americans will never get the chance to learn the lessons I am at this very moment...

Part of living without deprivation is treating ourselves to something special.  I did that at least three times last week.  On Tuesday we went to Shucker's, a fine seafood restaurant, for lunch.  Besides it being a little cheaper at lunch, the portions are still generous.  I started from the moment we sat down and explained to the waitress we (my mom and I) are on a special diet and we immediately declined the hush puppies.  We ordered unsweetened iced tea with lemon.  Two green salads, no croutons, with balsamic vinegar.  Mom had the broiled scallops while I had the grilled shrimp.  We doubled up on the veggies (her with broccoli, me with mixed veggies) and we eliminated the starch.  We were so full and satisfied at the end of our meal that we took enough home for another meal.

My second treat was our typical Friday night out.  Yes, every Friday after a long, hard week we go out and celebrate the upcoming weekend.  The entourage includes myself, my mother, and my son(s).  Prior to the commencement of my journey we would typically hit our favorite local Italian restaurant, La Foresta, where we would indulge in their appetizer sampler and their white pizza.  Lately, we've been trying other restaurants and this night included Chili's.  Before we went out I Googled "Eat This, Not That" to see what would be the best of the worst items on the menu.  I went with the fajitas (no tortilla wraps) while my mom doubled up on the shrimp skewers and broccoli.  It was very enjoyable but I do worry about the salt content of food prepared by others especially in that type of restaurant.

On Saturday, before we went to see The Artist (an excellent movie), we took a chance at a place called the Lynnwood Grill.  This is your typical sports bar and family restaurant that serves everything from wings to pizza.  After taking a serious gander at the menu I was delighted to see a variety of salads in which you could add your choice of protein.  I had a Greek salad with grilled chicken.  Hold the croutons.  Balsamic vinaigrette on the side.  I was excited to see quality lettuce being used like spinach and arugula.  Unsweetened tea with lemon and we were all set.  Yes, you can choose something healthy even in a sports bar.

The bottom line is treat yourself the way YOU DESERVE to be treated.  We are only on this earth once (as far as I know) and in order to live a long and healthy life we must pay attention to how we fuel our bodies.  Making yourself BELIEVE that you are worth the extra money for the fresh vegetable or exotic fruit or organic chicken (if you so desire) is half the battle.  Adopting a healthy lifestyle is a MINDSET.  It is not easy and it takes a lot of training to keep you focused on the benefits of making good choices.

It is something I have to do each day for the rest of my life!

Revelations

First, let me begin with the 'good' stuff.  I am eight pounds less than I was two weeks ago!

Second, the things I did 'right' this week are:  vitamins with hot lemon juice, writing down everything in my food diary that I consume during the day, and eating an apple a day.

Third, what I need to work on for next week is:  incorporate at least 10 minutes of exercise or walking each day, listen to my body when it tells me it's full and don't finish what's on my plate just because it's there, and use less butter and salt in cooking.

Finally, this past week has brought a number of revelations to the forefront.  Very important realizations that have most likely assisted in the state of my current physical situation.  Also known as the reasons why I am morbidly obese.

1.  I am the way I am because I eat too much.  It is my fault.  I take ownership of my situation.  There is no one to blame but myself.  Food is how I chose to deal with my pain.  I am no different than an alcoholic who seeks solace in the bottle or a sex addict who frequents adult websites or prostitutes.  Food is my addiction.

2.  I cannot be fully 'healed' until I come to grips with the pain of my past.  I watched Dr. Oz this week which is not my ordinary habit at 3:00 p.m..  But, I am glad I did turn on the television at this time.  One day Dr. Oz was interviewing Rosie O'Donnell.  Now, I have been a fan of Rosie O'Donnell on and off from the time when was a v-jay comic on VH-1.  I don't currently watch her show on the Oprah channel because I don't have fancy cable.  During the interview she appeared to finally have her shit together.  She's not as manic as she was five or so years ago.  She attributes her turn-around to bio-identical hormone replacement therapy promoted by Suzanne Somers.  She is also in a new relationship and has incorporated some healthy eating habits.  What struck me most about her interview was her honesty with Dr. Oz.  She said she was avoiding talking to him because of her weight.  She also revealed that people who have been abused use food to comfort themselves and cover themselves.  Acting as a mask, belly fat that hangs over your waist is hiding your genitals.  It is disguising the source of your pain so you don't have to look at it and be reminded of your sexual abuse.  Wow, very forthcoming and interesting.  I love the psychology behind that;  Freud might put his stamp of approval on that one.   Definitely food for thought (pun intended).

3.   I don't realize just how big I am because I see myself as me:  intelligent, creative, and kind.  I did not realize that other people first assess me as the obese lady or fat woman.  In a way it doesn't make sense that I would not know that this is how people see me.  It is not how I see myself so how could I know that others see me in a different way?  What's even funnier (or worse) is that I have assessed people the same way, just by their appearance.  I have put labels on people without knowing them personally.  It is shameful.  It is part of this body dysmorphic disorder.  I don't feel like I'm morbidly obese or over 300 pounds on the inside but in reality there is no hiding my physical appearance.  I guess I have to start seeing me the way others do to help me realize I am not healthy.

4.  90% of my life I have been:  chubby, fatso, overweight, obese, or morbidly obese.  In a way my entire life's journey has been stifled by my physical handicap.  My life decisions have revolved around my physical size.  I have altered my dreams and aspirations to accommodate my physical shortcomings.  I came to realize this while reading a friend's blog about her recent vacation to Asia.  The account of her travels and observations about people in different countries and cultures gave me a taste of what my life could be if I were free to explore the world without reservation or inhibition.  I dream about a gondola ride in Venice or a stroll over the famous bridge in Prague but then I'm reminded of the impossibility of transporting my body from this place to there.  Never mind the fact that I'm afraid to fly...but then I wonder, am I afraid to fly because of my size?

5.  After an in-depth, heated discussion/argument with my spouse in which we attack eachothers sore spots and sources of sensitivity I came to realize that while I am responsible for my obesity I do have loved ones who are enablers.  While they may love me and do things for me out of the premise of loving me unconditionally, some of what they do or who they are has 'allowed' me to be the way I am...morbidly obese.  My mother, my husband, my sons have all expressed concern over my health but rather than piss me off because they know how I'll react they continue to love me and (probably) pray that I will make changes on my own volition.  Until then they decide to continue loving me no matter what.  While this may help overall, it also hinders.  I'm not blaming them, I am just recognizing the pain I've caused them over the years.  To love someone so much and worry about their health and how long they'll live is stressful.

As I continue with my weight-loss journey I am eagerly awaiting more revelations.  While I anticipate facing my pain I also know that this is a critical step in becoming a more healthy person.

My motto for the coming week:  One Day at a Time.

Biting Off a Little At a Time

It's been one week since I began my new journey toward bikini land (or somewhere in the vicinity).

Great news!  There is 6.8 pounds less of me today than there was last week.  Yay for me!

It was not easy.  I happened to start this adventure just when Aunt Flo came to town and, as usual, I was not a happy camper.  Add to that the mere fact that I was going from 2400 calories a day to 1400 calories a day.  I was a miserable bitch at times.

Getting into the routine of it took a day or two.  I begin each day with my vitamins taken with hot lemon juice and a cup of herbal or chai tea.  Then I have a fruit and or protein.  I seem to be eating about every three hours or so.  This keeps my blood sugar at an even keel and I don't necessarily feel like I'm depriving myself or that I am on a strict diet.  I just have it in my head that I am eating healthy and making better choices.  I'll either have a large salad with protein at lunch or dinner depending on the day.  I've eliminated cooking with salt and have restricted my butter to less than a teaspoon a day.  My salad dressing choices are oil and vinegar or a vinaigrette.  I bake my naked chicken breast (no skin nor bone) with salt-free spices and lemon juice.  I use non-stick cooking spray when I saute or make an omelet.  I have at least one apple a day and if I get famished at night I save at least one starch allowance for my 94% fat free popcorn.  Obviously, I drink at least 64 ounces of water or more.  Needless to say, the bathroom and I are close buddies.

My family has been very supportive.  My son has been eating (and enjoying) the 'new' way I cook dinner.  He likes to try new things anyway and this makes it very easy for me.  My husband is encouraging me by basically staying out of my way and tolerating my bossy ways.  My mother went for a consultation this week and will try a similar program for five weeks.  Having the people closest to you cheer you on is super important when you are trying to make a life change.  I am so lucky that I am loved.

I keep the ideal image of me in my mind when I contemplate how difficult temptations can sabotage good intentions.  So far, I'm proud of the decisions I made.  For instance, last night when we went out to dinner (yes, we continue to live and enjoy life) I took the time to speak with the waitress and really think about the best choices for me.  I was upfront from the start and said I was on a strict diet and had to avoid salt and butter.  I ended up getting a garden salad and steamed shrimp.  It was excellent and I felt proud of myself that I took the time to 'be good'.  The only temptation was skipping the blue cheese but eventually I'll get over it. 

My immediate goal is to take one day at a time and not to beat myself up.  So far, I am scar-free.  But, I'm not going to kid myself.  My journey is long and will have many twists and turns I'm sure.  Adopting these new habits like writing everything down and filling in boxes will help me realize the quantity I consume.

My mission to cut my size in half, thus, my caloric intake must match that as well.  Let me clarify my goal.  Overall, yes, it's true, I hope to be half my size at least 18 months from now.  But, in order to keep my sanity and motivation I must chip off that number in bits of 25 pounds.  So, I am allowing myself 13 weeks to be down by 25 pounds.  And as time goes by and weight is harder to lose, I hope to lose about 10 pounds a month.  But, I will continue to take it one day at a time and I reserve the right to restructure my goals as my journey continues.

Goal for the next week:  Incorporate 30 minutes of exercise.

Transforming My Dream Into Reality

The other day, after a restful sleep in my new king-sized bed, I woke up and realized that I am ready for my new mission.

It began the previous night as I shut off my light and tried to prepare my brain for sleep.  Sometimes I just have to refocus my brain on something pleasant so that I can have a peaceful rest.  I started thinking about the things I am addicted to OTHER THAN FOOD.

For a long time, and even before I started to sell AVON, I enjoyed experimenting with makeup.  I probably started wearing my first eye make-up in middle school.  My first eyeliner that I can remember was the Maybelline kohl eyeliner in Navy.  I admit I've had my bouts of being too made up especially in high school and then again after I graduated college and worked in my early twenties as a single girl.  During college I was sporting a tan so I left make-up for the evening or special occasions.  And, once I had kids?  Well, if you are a mother, you pretty much can agree that you just didn't have the time or desire to put your looks on the front burner.  But, even in those times, I always made sure I had something on my lips.  Whether it was lipstick, lip gloss, or lip balm I would not leave the house without it.  Lip gloss is my mainstay cosmetic.  I am addicted and most recently I've expanded my own personal product cache with the mark. product, also sold by AVON.  I just love the 'hook-up' cosmetics that are portable, interchangeable, fun to wear, and are among my favorite to wear.

As I began to go into my slumber I also thought about my vast array of sandals in my closet.  No, not shoes, but specifically, sandals.  Sandals are the reason why I started to sell AVON in the first place.  One day, almost three years ago, I was at my mom's house and browsed through an AVON catalog that she offered to me since she was planning to make a purchase and wanted to know if I saw anything.  In my mind, I thought AVON only sold cosmetics, jewelry, and perfume.  But, when I realized that there was a cute array of clothes and accessories including shoes and handbags, I was sold.  From that point, my mission was to be able to shop and save money as a representative.  Signing up to sell AVON was inexpensive and easy.  I really just wanted the discount.  Let's just say, my closet is overflowing with my favorite footwear, sandals, thanks to AVON.

The third thing I realized, as I was trying to fall asleep, is that I am addicted to bathing suits.  Or, swim suits.  This penchant for swim wear began way before AVON.  It probably began when I was at college in Florida.  Back then, I actually had a figure to wear a bikini if you can believe it.  I was not skinny by any means.  But, I was confident enough in my body and curves (and year-round tan) to sport the two-piece in public on the beach.  There were times I would even have a male approach me, flirt, and ask for a date.  I was probably a size14 back then.  I had a very cute purple bandeau-top bikini, a light pink-striped bikini, and a multi-stripe bikini.  For years I kept these in a box along with my sexy lingerie and teddies that I wore when my husband and I were dating.  I only got rid of this box four years ago but I still reminisce about the contents and regret that I did not keep it.  It was supposed to be a motivation tool.  Well, that never really panned out, did it?  Or, did it?

The other night I continued to think about all of the bathing suits I've acquired over the years.  A lot of them unworn and purchased with the intention of motivating me to do something about my appearance.  Whether it was from Newport News clearance online (a very affordable resource) or Old Navy closeouts at the end of the season, I've accumulated many pieces of swim wear.  Some are bikinis, some are sexy one-pieces, mono-kinis, and I even have a sexy zebra one-piece that I got for 97 cents last year from Old Navy.  There was no way I could pass that bargain up!  Sadly, I've never been able to wear about 80% of the suits I own.  I believe I faced my reality last year when we scheduled a vacation in Myrtle Beach, SC and I realized there was not a bathing suit in my closet that I could adorn in public.  We made a last-minute purchase from an online store with women's-sized one piece grandma suits.  It wasn't terrible but in no way did it make me feel like the cool, hip mom that I feel like inside.  I felt fat and frumpy; basically, the way the world most likely sees me on the outside (because they don't know the real me; the person I am inside).

Anyway, I woke up with a mission!  I am ready to face the way the world sees me from the outside and I am ready to change that perception to how I feel on the inside.  My goal is to fit into a bathing suit by the summer that will not embarrass me or my family when I hit the beach.  It will realistically be a one-piece but by next year I hope to be sporting something sexier and maybe even a two-piece or mono-kini. That would be awesome!

But this is quite a goal and I realize the road is long and winding and perhaps even never-ending.  Making such a change will require an entire life change.  Changing mind, body, and soul.  I finally realized that I want to live!  I want to be with my family and see them achieve their goals.  I want to be healthy and feel better.

So, on Wednesday, January 25, 2012, I signed up at the Diet Center to weigh in and make a 12 week commitment to lose 25 pounds.  I have much, much more than that to lose but I must break it down into increments of 25 pounds so that I keep motivated and can celebrate each goal as a step in my journey to transform my life and LIVE!

I'll keep you posted on my progress...

Back to Life, Back to Reality

So, it is three days into the new year of 2012 and real life begins, again.

I'm up at 5:15 a.m., gathering the tubs of dirty laundry from upstairs and dragging the entire load down the stairs, one step at a time.  While the kid is in the shower, I begin to sort by color:  greens, reds/purples, black, greys/beiges, blues, and whites.  I end up with a total of seven loads not bad for a family of four over five days.

The bagel is made, the lunch (already made the night before) is placed near the book bag, and I open a cup of yogurt.  By 6:10 a.m., I grab my big grey sweater and greet the 20 degree early morning with a shiver as I unlock the car door.  I'll warm up the car for a few minutes before I drive the kid to the bus stop.  Kids are spoiled these days.  In my mind I find myself saying (to myself), 'back in my day, I had to walk to the bus stop and wait for it to come no matter what the weather; even in rain and snow.'  But, there's only three and a half more years left until he graduates so why stop now?  I think we agreed this year that we would drive him to the bus stop in the morning if it was raining or under 40 degrees.  So far, we've been blessed with a mild winter, knock on wood.

I restart the boiling pot filled with the leftover chicken carcass from our Sunday dinner.  I plan to make homemade soup today, using the bag of spices and vegetable soup mix that my mom gave to me over the holidays.  After the meat cools and I pick off the meat and shred it I'll prepare the carrots and onion.  I'll also add some diced tomatoes and great northern white beans for texture and flavor.  The chicken broth already is permeating throughout the house.

By the time I'm done folding my first load of laundry I am peeling a grapefruit.  My neighbor gave us some beautiful fruit for the holidays.  So, while I didn't specifically declare losing weight as a New Year's resolution it is kind of a no-brainer that I will adopt a healthier eating regime with the promise of a new year and fresh start.  The grapefruit was pink, plump, and delicious.  I already feel 50 pounds lighter.  Ha!

Okay, now to weed through my 'in' box.  Sorting receipts from the last couple of days and gathering the most recent stuff to add to my pile of 2011 tax documents.  Working on the tax stuff is priority one this week and next.  I hope to have my spreadsheets completed by next week so that when we get the W-2 I can get to H&R Block, file, and then complete the FAFSA so that my kid can continue to go to university.  No pressure.  Ha!

I've got an entire Sunday newspaper to go through today in between cooking and laundry.  Read, go through coupons, cut coupons, organize coupons, and file coupons.  Yes, organization is really not a problem for me.  I've got some thank you notes to do, birthday card to sign, and then back to taxes this afternoon.  Load  number five is in the wash and I have a hankering for something warm.  How about a hot chocolate with marshmallows?  Of course, and don't forget the pumpkin spice muffin that we got from Mimi's the other day.  Delicious on a cold winter's morning!

Other stuff on the horizon this week?  Organizing the linen closet to accommodate my new linens for my new KING size bed that was purchased on New Year's Eve.  Yes, we are super excited since we never owned a bed of such stature.  Plus the fact that it's been over ten years since we had a new bed of any sort.  We had a fun time searching for some bargains yesterday when I hit the retailers with mom:  Marshall's, TJ Maxx, and Home Goods.  I hate spending money but I love getting a bargain, if you can call it that.  I got two different comforters(one is Ralph Lauren, yay) and three sets of sheets.  I will be preparing our room in the next seven days to welcome the new addition.

Later this week I'll be heading toward Greensboro to drop off our eldest back to his dormitory for his spring semester.  Before I get to that point I promised myself to devise a budget for him and a daily time management calender so that he can begin with his best foot forward.  As parents, we have to give our kids the tools they need to succeed.  The rest is up to them.  I will continue to nag, support, and encourage.  Oh yeah, and pray.  A lot.  And, crossing my fingers wouldn't hurt either. 

Dr. Phil is on now, as background noise, while I think about everything that kept me from a good night's sleep last night.  I may have gotten a full two hours of sleep.  I'll see how long I last today and whatever I don't finish today, I'll finish tomorrow.  Hakuna Matata...it means no worries.  Yeah, right.  Actually, I am off to a great start so far.  I am proud that I had such an ambitious list of things to do as I hit my reality head-on.

<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/TB54dZkzZOY" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

The Countdown Begins...

Gee, I've got five hours and four minutes to reach one of my goals for 2011; completing 52 posts in one year.  This number was supposed to represent one blog entry for each week of the year.  Seeing as I am not a daily blogger nor a weekly one for that matter, completing 52 in one year is a pretty big goal.  And,....I did it!

This is my 52nd blog for the year 2011.  A job well done?  Well?  At least it is done.  I can't objectively claim if they were done 'well' or not.  But, they were done and they represent me.  Take me or leave me.  My blogs for the year encompass truth, pain, growth, and introspection.

When I started this journey two years ago I was quite a mess both mentally and physically.  I now look forward to 2012 with a calmness and hopefulness that everything I need will somehow be taken care of and everything I want will be manifested as long as I embrace positivity.

It seems that each and every day begins with a new opportunity to focus my mind and believe that I can achieve what I want in my lifetime.  Some things just may take longer than others.  The universe has to be in alignment and eventually things will come to fruition.

Our family has been blessed recently and I truly believe it was manifested through hard work, positive thinking, and spiritual energy.  The different worlds and dimensions lined up just so to relieve us of some incredible pressure.  We are lucky enough to have a moment in time where we can breath just a bit easier.

Hopefully, we will relish this moment, make good decisions, and be thankful for our good fortune.  It does not hurt to begin the new year of 2012 in the black!