Well, it's been almost a month since my last post. Partly due to avoidance and partly because I don't have much to say...until today.
My need to purge usually comes about when I've bottled up all of my feelings and thoughts and let them simultaneously combust at the most inopportune time.
My friend Lisa has pointed out to me that what we think of others is a reflection of how we see ourselves. Harsh but true. I must keep this in mind as I am enveloped in this cloud of negativity for going on three weeks now. On a positive note, I've come to some very unflattering revelations about myself. Sad but true.
The following statements, while on the surface are directed at another person, are in reality about me (according to Lisa):
- I resent that I cannot be myself when I'm around you.
- I hate stepping on egg shells so as not to hurt your feelings or offend you.
- You make me feel fat, unattractive, obnoxious, annoying, and as if I remind you of my father of whom you dislike or even hate.
- I think it's sad that you did not acknowledge my hard work of trying to adopt a healthier life along with smart eating choices and exercise.
- Instead of lifting people up, you put them down.
- You are a cold bitch who has no idea of how to communicate warmly with others.
- Your holier-than-though attitude is so tired and old just like the wrinkles on your face and silver hair.
- At one time I loved you and felt like you genuinely liked me as a person.
- I believe your love for me changed when I fell in love with a black man. You did not approve.
- Can you stop loving someone? Did you ever love me?
- I choose not to subject my kids to your cloud of negativity.
- I will not allow you to make my children feel the way you make me feel.
- I'm not sure who you are trying to impress with your life of denying yourself: pleasure, fun, and happiness.
- YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN A NUN!
- If I could add up the entire monetary value of all the birthday gifts, Christmas presents, anniversary gifts, home down payments, money just because, vacations, souvenirs, and any other expenses that you have paid for under my name, I would take that amount and repay you in full. The cost to suck up to you for your approval has left me: guilty, resentful, and used.
- You make me ashamed to be who I truly am.
- I am a selfish, immature brat at times.
- I feel entitled to enjoy every day of my life even if it means I will be poor, miserable, and judged.
- I know you don't approve of my choices to stay at home and not work.
- I know you resent me, judge me, and disapprove of me.
- I feel sorry for you.
- You are a hard-worker when you want to be or when you want to put others to shame.
- You judge people and their choices for how they choose to exercise their spirituality.
- I don't like how you look over my shoulder, stare at me when my eyes are averted, shake your head in disappointment, or shrug your shoulders in indifference.
- Your denial of the current state of societal norms and your choice to cling to the past coincide with your inability to submit yourself to what the world has to offer.
- I don't like the fact that I delayed my birthday vacation at the beach (even though I will go as soon as you leave).
- I don't like that I reluctantly catered to you by biting my tongue and thinking before I speak just because you cannot handle confrontation.
- I don't respect you because you refuse to tell me to 'go fuck yourself'.
- I don't like how you use me as a pawn by having me be mediator and middleman between you and your sister because you lack communication skills.
When I win the lottery, and the payoff is big enough, I will pay my FINAL INVOICE so that I am no longer indebted to you.
The freedom to be myself will be my biggest win ever (even though my wallet will be empty) because I will then have the FREEDOM TO BE MYSELF!