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Monday, February 14, 2011

It Begins With ME!

The first time I called Veronica, the local psychic-medium who takes viewer's calls on the local television, was in 2009 after I found out that I had this adrenal tumor.  Veronica basically reads auras and energies and color fields.  What I heard from her during that session was basically that she thought I may be pregnant.  Weird and no way in heck (because of my age).  But, I guess she was on the right track because I do have something growing inside of me (insert laugh here).

The last time I called Veronica was back in September 2010.  Now that I had gotten my health under control, so to speak, I was ready to conquer the question of what the heck is my mission in life.  Or, "what should I be when I grow up?".  A silly question considering it is coming from a 45-year-old woman!  But, this time, Veronica did not disappoint.  She said something to the effect of, "You have a lot of stories in you and you need to get them out on paper.  You just have to go with it and do what you've been putting off.  Promise me you'll do it."

Well, Veronica, it's been almost six months and I'm still in the 'thinking' stage.  I have narrowed down the focus of one of my stories and still have not put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard as it were).  I hate being such a disappointment.  Not only to those people who support and encourage me but most of all to MYSELF.

Last week I was describing my ideal job to my mother.  The kind of job that I would like to do if I HAD TO go out in the market place and work for someone other than myself.  I'm at the age now where I know what my strengths, skills, and talents are and basically I would like a job that would take advantage of what I have to offer and compensate me accordingly.  As it turns out, in the Sunday classified section was an advertisement for a position that mirrored everything I had described only days before.  This is the Universe in action; providing an answer to what I put out there!

I went so far as to send an e-mail, request an application, receive the application, print it out, and read all the documents.  The obstacle I face is...FEAR.  Fear of what to put down on the application to account for the many gaps and years where I was not 'working' a 'real' job.  Fear that if I send the application along with a resume and get it in by the February 18th deadline that I might actually be called in for an interview!  Even worse, what would happen if I actually got the job?!  Oh, my...this is very terrifying.

As I worked myself into a panic after the very contemplation of such a thought to get in the car, drive to work, and communicate with others in person I realize this is way too much for a person who's spent the last fourteen years (with the exception of a few gigs here and there) out of the corporate world to handle.

I immediately went back to what I really want to do.  Write.  The Universe came through once more when out of the blue (or out of the Universe, as it were) I received an e-mail for an upcoming writing seminar.  I attended a similar seminar a couple of year's ago and really enjoyed the experience.  So, okay Universe, what the heck are you trying to tell me?  I think I know the message but perhaps I feel like I am not worthy to ask let alone, receive.

So, I guess my question is, and the whole point of this blog entry is...How do I make myself start writing the story that is inside of me?  Do I need to set up a routine whereby certain times of the day I devote myself to my 'craft'?  Do I need a designated space that allows me the comfort of  brainstorming, exploring my ideas, and just going with my intuition?  Am I using my need for a new laptop and knowledge for proper writing techniques as an excuse for why I don't get started already?

I already know the answer and you do too.  FEAR.  Fear is the answer.  Fear that I can actually do it and do it well.  My problem is, and has always been, Fear of Success.  What if I accomplish everything I want to?  What if I receive the life I imagine?  What if I am actually worthy of success?

Today I realize, that it begins with ME!  What I can imagine and believe I deserve is more than possible if I choose to LOVE MYSELF.

It Begins With YOU!

My neighbor, Rita, died about six months ago in August 2010.  We had just returned home after dropping our eldest son, Justin, off at college.  The news was upsetting because I had just seen Rita two days before, getting into her car and waving at me.  Life sneaks up on you sometimes, that's the beauty of it.We attended her memorial service and I have to say it was one of the most endearing tributes to a lady who devoted her life to her family.  The stories of her relationship with her husband, Frank, made me laugh and cry.  I didn't realize that they grew up together and were married for over 60 years.  They stayed together through thick and thin and you could tell that they still revered, respected, and loved each other well into their eighties.  I only knew Rita for about eleven years.  But, I realize now, the short time we did spend chatting over the years were of great purpose and meaning to me.

I saw the movie, "Blue Valentine" yesterday.  Let's just say it is not a movie you would watch with a new or prospective mate and I doubt it will put many folks in the mood for love.  The movie does bring perspective for those of us who've been married for a while.  It reminds us how at the beginning, when love is fresh and new, we can oversee potential future bumps in our own love story.  It reminds us that love can leave us 'blind' in the moments where passion takes over.  It also leaves us with the age-old question, "Is Love Enough?".

I just finished reading Rhonda Byrne's follow-up book to The Secret called, The Power. The message I took away from this book is that we are responsible for our own lives.  We have the power of our thoughts to create and imagine our lives the way we want them to be.  It is with love and positivity that we can tip the scales in our favor and enjoy our 'ideal' life.  We must believe that all things are possible through Love.  The Power gave me a new perspective on what happens to us after we die and helped calm my fear of no longer existing.  It explains why, at random moments during the day, I still think of friends and family who have passed.  It gives me hope that our love and energy carries on for eternity.

About a month ago, when my husband and I weren't really getting along, I asked him, "Do you think we'll be together until we die like Frank and Rita?".  He replied, "Yes.  I never really thought of not being with you.".  I was surprised by his quick response.  There was never a doubt with my husband.  Yet, over the last couple of years, I've wondered what it would be like to be without my husband.  To be alone and on my own.  In my visions, I was very introspective and contemplative.  I watched the sunsets alone.  I listened to the waves and seagulls alone.  My home was filled with my paintings that I created and were hung on the walls willy-nilly and however I saw fit.  There was a sense of freedom with this vision but there was no warmth, only cool.

Last night while we were in bed David kept looking at me and I said, "Stop looking at my ugly fat face."  He said, "You're still pretty to me."

Today, I wonder if I had grown up in a household where my parents professed their love for each other blatantly and genuinely not only to each other but to me and my brother, how would it have changed the person I am today?  I immediately realize that it is a moot point.  You just can't change the past.  Everything happens for a reason.  The fact that I grew up with parents who rarely if ever said they loved me IS the reason why I am who I am today.

When I first fell in love with my husband, David, it was because he made me laugh, smile, and made me feel that I was worthy of being loved.  I loved him because I felt he was such a special person and deserved to be loved, cared for, and nurtured.  We had nothing at the time.  We were both unemployed and unsure of our careers and future.  But, we had each other.  We were supportive of each other.  We grew together over the last 21 years and eight days since our first date.

Today, I realize that it is so much easier to love others when you love yourself.  It begins with YOU!