I know I'm supposed to be focusing on the positive things in my life. But, the truth is, a couple of weeks ago I went through a few days of severe depression. I must write about it because it is my truth. Just when I think things are going okay, I get sucked back in to the depths of depression.
As I enter my mid-life and face the impending 'change of life' I find myself more sensitive to everything around me. My hormones are uncontrollable and take over my body and adopt a persona of their own. It really feels like I am a different person for at least one week per month.
I got fed up with myself and my life. I think what triggered the downward spiral was seeing that damn paystub from 1994 when I was a working, contributing member of my family. You see, I lost a lot of my self-esteem when I changed paths in my life, gave up my career, and focused on my family. It's been over fourteen years since I've had a steady paycheck and worked for 'the man'.
Yes, I've accomplished some personal goals during the last fourteen years. I've exercised my entrepreneurial muscle a couple of times. But, I never really stuck with anything. I feel like time is running out and I'm under the gun. A couple of weeks ago during the midst of my depressive episode I pretty much adopted the credo of, "I don't care any more". I just became irrational and just wanted to stay in bed and distance myself from the people I love. I cried hysterically and was on the verge of seeking professional help. It was pretty bad. Luckily, after a few days of cramps, migraines, and an ovary workout I felt better.
But, something is still bugging me. I feel so empty. I feel so guilty. I feel like time is passing me by so quickly and I will leave this earth without leaving my imprint or making a significant contribution. It is a scary feeling and it gnaws at my happiness.
Something is holding me back from accomplishing what I want. As much as I say it is important to live and be your authentic self, something inside is judging me and saying how silly and selfish I am. It is a constant struggle to balance the time I give my family and the time I give myself.
It is easy to love the people I love unconditionally but it is painstaking to love myself the same way. As much as I say I deserve to be myself and to love myself, without guilt, something inside of me knows that I am not 100% committed to the idea of it.
These feelings cannot be erased by a day of shopping or a long weekend at the beach, unfortunately. The remedy is something deeper and harder to grasp.
I will continue to reach for the answer in my journey.