Follow by Email

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Stagnation

I know I'm supposed to be focusing on the positive things in my life.  But, the truth is, a couple of weeks ago I went through a few days of severe depression.  I must write about it because it is my truth.  Just when I think things are going okay, I get sucked back in to the depths of depression.

As I enter my mid-life and face the impending 'change of life' I find myself more sensitive to everything around me.  My hormones are uncontrollable and take over my body and adopt a persona of their own.  It really feels like I am a different person for at least one week per month.

I got fed up with myself and my life.  I think what triggered the downward spiral was seeing that damn paystub from 1994 when I was a working, contributing member of my family.  You see, I lost a lot of my self-esteem when I changed paths in my life, gave up my career, and focused on my family.  It's been over fourteen years since I've had a steady paycheck and worked for 'the man'.

Yes, I've accomplished some personal goals during the last fourteen years.  I've exercised my entrepreneurial muscle a couple of times.  But, I never really stuck with anything.  I feel like time is running out and I'm under the gun.  A couple of weeks ago during the midst of my depressive episode I pretty much adopted the credo of, "I don't care any more".  I just became irrational and just wanted to stay in bed and distance myself from the people I love.  I cried hysterically and was on the verge of seeking professional help.  It was pretty bad.  Luckily, after a few days of cramps, migraines, and an ovary workout I felt better.

But, something is still bugging me.  I feel so empty.  I feel so guilty.  I feel like time is passing me by so quickly and I will leave this earth without leaving my imprint or making a significant contribution.  It is a scary feeling and it gnaws at my happiness.

Something is holding me back from accomplishing what I want.  As much as I say it is important to live and be your authentic self, something inside is judging me and saying how silly and selfish I am.  It is a constant struggle to balance the time I give my family and the time I give myself.  

It is easy to love the people I love unconditionally but it is painstaking to love myself the same way.  As much as I say I deserve to be myself and to love myself, without guilt, something inside of me knows that I am not 100% committed to the idea of it.

These feelings cannot be erased by a day of shopping or a long weekend at the beach, unfortunately.  The remedy is something deeper and harder to grasp.

I will continue to reach for the answer in my journey.

2 comments:

  1. You've taken the biggest step... writing about it and getting it out there. Depression is serious business so don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it. Writing is cathartic, but you should be doing it even when you feel like crap. Just realizing there is a problem is a big step to dealing with it. You have accomplished so much... you've raised two amazing sons - that isn't a small feat. It's now time for the next phase in your life. Don't be in a such a hurry - good things will come when you are emotionally ready to accept them.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you, Carolyn, for reading and offering words of wisdom and encouragement.
    Your support really does help me.
    Love you.

    ReplyDelete