If you've read all of my blog entries then you'd know I am going through a transitional phase of my life where I am letting go of the past and creating my future (with the help of positive thought and the universe). So, the fifth writing prompt of the #Reverb10 project wants to know:
December 5 - Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why? (Author: Alice Bradley).:
Ouch! This prompt hurts a bit. It conjures up a bunch of feelings that I've just spent months trying to purge. Yikes! So this 'person' (insert derogatory name here) has asked me to rehash the stuff I've been trying to clear from my life. To relive the pain? Okay, maybe not, but why am I getting so bent out of shape about this one? Well, they do say, 'the truth hurts'. So, maybe there is some truth to that statement. Oy vey!
So, here it goes. Here's what comes to mind without having to actually delve into all this crap again. I will just scrape the surface so as not to bore you nor to inflict pain, yet again, to myself. The main thing that comes to mind that I actually regret and will work to repair is how I fucked up my relationship with my brother. Basically, I hadn't seen him in years, he came down to visit, and I guess I had all this resentment built up for YEARS and years and it basically spilled out in one of my maniacal rages. Unfortunately, he was an innocent victim and I feel terrible that I treated him this way. Especially since he doesn't know who I am as an adult and how out of control I could (used to?) get.
A person or relationship that I totally let go of was someone who I was 'expected' to be friends with. Well, actually, I wrote this person off a long time ago but what I held on to (up until this year) was the resentment I felt. Yes, I was probably hurt as well. But, I should have known better. I knew who she was, the kind of person she is, and I should have known better. Never mix business with pleasure (another saying that holds true). Basically, shame on me for knowing who she is (her moral character) and expecting that she would act differently knowing her actions and words in other scenarios. There really is nothing lost since we never had a deep connection. Besides, I always felt like she was putting on an act and was just fulfilling her wifely obligation (since our husbands are the true friends in this relationship). Ultimately, I'm just angry at myself for knowing better from the beginning yet still working for free out of the goodness of my heart. And, then in the end, getting my ass burned. It still sucks but instead of blaming her I just blame myself and have learned the lesson to go with my instinct next time and not mix business with pleasure.
The final relationship that I let go of this year was with my father. It is the most painful relationship of my past and every time I tried to repair it, it was like opening up a new wound. Through the explicit honesty of some of my previous blog posts and confessions to the hell he put me and my family through I feel a little better. At least I feel like the sore that would never heal has finally scabbed over and is just about to fall off on it's own. It is sad that I don't have a relationship with my father but it is necessary. For a long time I was pissed that he did not make an effort to be a part of his grandchildren's lives and then I realized something so important. Why would I want inject the person to cause me pain throughout my life into the lives of my children? The people who know them and love them unconditionally are the ones that have been there from the beginning. And they are the ones that matter. Protecting my kids is my number one responsibility and shielding them from my father is of the utmost importance. They don't need the drama and neither do I.
So, as sad as it is to be compelled to cut out people from your life (or to 'let them go') it is sometimes necessary for one's growth and prosperity of spirit. I am in such a better place mentally and spiritually than when I first started Buzz Buckingham. I am still on a journey to positivity and self-awareness and acceptance. I am grateful that these folks provided an opportunity for me to learn about myself.