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Monday, December 6, 2010

Please Release Me, Let Me Go

If you've read all of my blog entries then you'd know I am going through a transitional phase of my life where I am letting go of the past and creating my future (with the help of positive thought and the universe).  So, the fifth writing prompt of the #Reverb10 project wants to know:

December 5 - Let Go.  What (or whom) did you let go of this year?  Why? (Author:  Alice Bradley).:

Ouch!  This prompt hurts a bit.  It conjures up a bunch of feelings that I've just spent months trying to purge.  Yikes!  So this 'person' (insert derogatory name here) has asked me to rehash the stuff I've been trying to clear from my life.  To relive the pain?  Okay, maybe not, but why am I getting so bent out of shape about this one?  Well, they do say, 'the truth hurts'.  So, maybe there is some truth to that statement.  Oy vey!

So, here it goes.  Here's what comes to mind without having to actually delve into all this crap again.  I will just scrape the surface so as not to bore you nor to inflict pain, yet again, to myself.  The main thing that comes to mind that I actually regret and will work to repair is how I fucked up my relationship with my brother.  Basically, I hadn't seen him in years, he came down to visit, and I guess I had all this resentment built up for YEARS and years and it basically spilled out in one of my maniacal rages.  Unfortunately, he was an innocent victim and I feel terrible that I treated him this way.  Especially since he doesn't know who I am as an adult and how out of control I could (used to?) get.

A person or relationship that I totally let go of was someone who I was 'expected' to be friends with.  Well, actually, I wrote this person off a long time ago but what I held on to (up until this year) was the resentment I felt.  Yes, I was probably hurt as well.  But, I should have known better.  I knew who she was, the kind of person she is, and I should have known better.  Never mix business with pleasure (another saying that holds true).  Basically, shame on me for knowing who she is (her moral character) and expecting that she would act differently knowing her actions and words in other scenarios.  There really is nothing lost since we never had a deep connection.  Besides, I always felt like she was putting on an act and was just fulfilling her wifely obligation (since our husbands are the true friends in this relationship).  Ultimately, I'm just angry at myself for knowing better from the beginning yet still working for free out of the goodness of my heart.  And, then in the end, getting my ass burned.  It still sucks but instead of blaming her I just blame myself and have learned the lesson to go with my instinct next time and not mix business with pleasure.

The final relationship that I let go of this year was with my father.  It is the most painful relationship of my past and every time I tried to repair it, it was like opening up a new wound.  Through the explicit honesty of some of my previous blog posts and confessions to the hell he put me and my family through I feel a little better.  At least I feel like the sore that would never heal has finally scabbed over and  is just about to fall off on it's own.  It is sad that I don't have a relationship with my father but it is necessary.  For a long time I was pissed that he did not make an effort to be a part of his grandchildren's lives and then I realized something so important.  Why would I want inject the person to cause me pain throughout my life into the lives of my children?  The people who know them and love them unconditionally are the ones that have been there from the beginning.  And they are the ones that matter.  Protecting my kids is my number one responsibility and shielding them from my father is of the utmost importance.  They don't need the drama and neither do I.

So, as sad as it is to be compelled to cut out people from your life (or to 'let them go') it is sometimes necessary for one's growth and prosperity of spirit.  I am in such a better place mentally and spiritually than when I first started Buzz Buckingham.  I am still on a journey to positivity and self-awareness and acceptance.  I am grateful that these folks provided an opportunity for me to learn about myself.

4 comments:

  1. It is sad that some of us just don't have the close-knit family that others have. Although I "let go" of my father a long time ago, I had to do the same to my brother this year. It was HIS decision actually. I also had to finally let go of a woman who I thought was a friend. She wasn't. I tried to keep up appearances with her but then realized that it was just bringing me down and I really didn't want to work so hard for someone who clearly didn't deserve my friendship.

    I know most people don't understand how we choose to not have a relationship with family members. But... I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I can't spend my life trying to please others. That is one thing age has taught me.

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  2. Carolyn,

    Can I just send a virtual, warm hug to you right this moment?!

    It is great to have a friend like you who understands and shares the same insights and struggles.

    Yes, you are an awesome person!

    Love you,

    Pam

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  3. Letting go has been a funny thing.

    It's been a process. Not once (or 16x) and done.

    For me, I haven't really let go until I can think of those people who have hurt me the most with love & gratitude in my heart. (I may have "detached" but until that point, I haven't let go.)

    When you get there, it doesn't mean you won't feel some pain. But there will be no blame, no anger, no finger-pointing. You'll be able to say, "God, that SUCKED and I'm better for it. Thank you."

    With some situations, I may never reach that place. (At least not in this lifetime.)

    And that's ok.

    But I keep trying.

    You keep going deep, Pam, and I'm very proud of you.

    And as far as letting go of family members, I applaud you & Carolyn for being so courageous in the face of such judgment from other people. People who criticize you simply wish they had the guts to do the same.

    xo

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  4. Lisa,

    I'm glad I have friends like you and Carolyn to show me that I am not alone in this journey of self-discovery and growth.

    Looking at one's story from the outside periphery and with an objective eye is difficult but necessary. It also is critical so that we may release the negative and embrace the situation as a positive step in our venture to be authentic.

    Thanks again for asking the right questions.

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