The first time I called Veronica, the local psychic-medium who takes viewer's calls on the local television, was in 2009 after I found out that I had this adrenal tumor. Veronica basically reads auras and energies and color fields. What I heard from her during that session was basically that she thought I may be pregnant. Weird and no way in heck (because of my age). But, I guess she was on the right track because I do have something growing inside of me (insert laugh here).
The last time I called Veronica was back in September 2010. Now that I had gotten my health under control, so to speak, I was ready to conquer the question of what the heck is my mission in life. Or, "what should I be when I grow up?". A silly question considering it is coming from a 45-year-old woman! But, this time, Veronica did not disappoint. She said something to the effect of, "You have a lot of stories in you and you need to get them out on paper. You just have to go with it and do what you've been putting off. Promise me you'll do it."
Well, Veronica, it's been almost six months and I'm still in the 'thinking' stage. I have narrowed down the focus of one of my stories and still have not put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard as it were). I hate being such a disappointment. Not only to those people who support and encourage me but most of all to MYSELF.
Last week I was describing my ideal job to my mother. The kind of job that I would like to do if I HAD TO go out in the market place and work for someone other than myself. I'm at the age now where I know what my strengths, skills, and talents are and basically I would like a job that would take advantage of what I have to offer and compensate me accordingly. As it turns out, in the Sunday classified section was an advertisement for a position that mirrored everything I had described only days before. This is the Universe in action; providing an answer to what I put out there!
I went so far as to send an e-mail, request an application, receive the application, print it out, and read all the documents. The obstacle I face is...FEAR. Fear of what to put down on the application to account for the many gaps and years where I was not 'working' a 'real' job. Fear that if I send the application along with a resume and get it in by the February 18th deadline that I might actually be called in for an interview! Even worse, what would happen if I actually got the job?! Oh, my...this is very terrifying.
As I worked myself into a panic after the very contemplation of such a thought to get in the car, drive to work, and communicate with others in person I realize this is way too much for a person who's spent the last fourteen years (with the exception of a few gigs here and there) out of the corporate world to handle.
I immediately went back to what I really want to do. Write. The Universe came through once more when out of the blue (or out of the Universe, as it were) I received an e-mail for an upcoming writing seminar. I attended a similar seminar a couple of year's ago and really enjoyed the experience. So, okay Universe, what the heck are you trying to tell me? I think I know the message but perhaps I feel like I am not worthy to ask let alone, receive.
So, I guess my question is, and the whole point of this blog entry is...How do I make myself start writing the story that is inside of me? Do I need to set up a routine whereby certain times of the day I devote myself to my 'craft'? Do I need a designated space that allows me the comfort of brainstorming, exploring my ideas, and just going with my intuition? Am I using my need for a new laptop and knowledge for proper writing techniques as an excuse for why I don't get started already?
I already know the answer and you do too. FEAR. Fear is the answer. Fear that I can actually do it and do it well. My problem is, and has always been, Fear of Success. What if I accomplish everything I want to? What if I receive the life I imagine? What if I am actually worthy of success?
Today I realize, that it begins with ME! What I can imagine and believe I deserve is more than possible if I choose to LOVE MYSELF.