A Weight Off My Shoulders?

Okay, so I just revealed to the world (and admitted to myself) my current weight.  Does it feel like a weight's been lifted off my shoulders?  Yes and no.  It is out there and I can't retract it.  Now, I have to change it.  And, that's a scary thing!

But first, let me put things in perspective.  Call it a running history of my weights ups and downs.  A chronology of dabbling with different diets.  A segmented sequence of suffering, perhaps.  In order to move forward I have to acknowledge where I've come from.

In sixth grade I was my full adult height of 5'4".  I had already reached puberty.  I sported a healthy weight of 125 pounds.

In eighth grade, after putting on some pounds, I starved myself and exercised my weight down to 135 pounds.  I would starve all day, eat dinner, exercise for 30 minutes (leg lifts, sit ups, arm circles) and occasionally gorged myself on a box of fat-free Mike&Ike fruit candies.  Bad habits.

High school came and more weight piled on.  When I did get rid of it, it was never gone for long, and it came back and brought along a few friends, every time.  By eleventh grade, my mom started The Diet Center diet and was having great success.  I weighed in at 174 pounds in October of 1981.  I started the same diet with my mom and by February of 1982 (five months later) I was down to 125.  I could actually fit into my size 10 Calvin Klein jeans (they were very popular at the time).

During my college years, while I was far away from the drama at home, I hovered around a size 14-16.  I was comfortable enough in my own skin that I would actually wear a bikini to the Florida beaches.  Basically, I felt good about myself and didn't give a fuck.  I was really being me.

By the time I graduated college in 1987, and went back home with my tail between my legs, I ballooned up to a size 24 quickly.  Crazy shit was going on at home (impending divorce and alcoholic drama) and I ate my way into oblivion.  When being passed over for a promotion at work I decided to try Nutri-System.  It was August of 1989 and I was at least 220.  By January of 1990, five months later, I shed 50 pounds, was down to a size 14, and had a new boyfriend.

My boyfriend turned into my husband.  I got a better job at a better firm.  With a career came stress.  I went to Weight Watchers to try to get my weight under control.  By this time I had gained all my weight back.  After just two months of going to WW, I found out I was pregnant with my first child.  It was a high-risk pregnancy.  I had high blood pressure.  For the last month of my pregnancy I had to get fetal monitoring twice a week and get an ultra-sound each week as well.  They estimated my baby's weight at 10 pounds on his due date.  After an unsuccessful induction, we did a C-section.  I began my pregnancy at 220.  I ended it at 255.  And, I got down to 235.  

Four and a half years later in 1996, and with a less-stressful job, I gave birth to my second son at 250 pounds.  I hadn't gained as much weight and did not have much trouble with this pregnancy.  It was a repeat C-section.

Every year it seems that I had goals of getting healthy and losing weight.  I kept some of the documentation over the years and here is just a snippet of the consistent elevation of my weight:

2003:  275

2004:  306

2007:  307

2008:  304

2009:  303

2010:  305

2011:  317.5

During the last couple of years my mother and I have tried Herbalife protein shakes.  As you can see, not much progress was gained.  I would love to do something like Nutri-System again but it is way too expensive and I really don't like the idea of packaged food.

Bar none, the best and most healthy diet I was on was The Diet Center diet.  It incorporated unlimited vegetables, lean protein, fruit (you must have one apple a day), and little to no carbs.  And, of course, water.  I am adapting a diet similar to this one.  I plan to have three to six meals a day (breakfast, lunch, and dinner plus three snacks).  My caloric intake will range between 1500-1800 calories per day.  I plan to exercise 30 minutes a day 3 times a week and then continuously increase time and frequency as I am able.

I don't think my shoulders could handle another increase of weight.  It is time to shed the old me and transform into the person I know I was meant to be.