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Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Revelations

First, let me begin with the 'good' stuff.  I am eight pounds less than I was two weeks ago!

Second, the things I did 'right' this week are:  vitamins with hot lemon juice, writing down everything in my food diary that I consume during the day, and eating an apple a day.

Third, what I need to work on for next week is:  incorporate at least 10 minutes of exercise or walking each day, listen to my body when it tells me it's full and don't finish what's on my plate just because it's there, and use less butter and salt in cooking.

Finally, this past week has brought a number of revelations to the forefront.  Very important realizations that have most likely assisted in the state of my current physical situation.  Also known as the reasons why I am morbidly obese.

1.  I am the way I am because I eat too much.  It is my fault.  I take ownership of my situation.  There is no one to blame but myself.  Food is how I chose to deal with my pain.  I am no different than an alcoholic who seeks solace in the bottle or a sex addict who frequents adult websites or prostitutes.  Food is my addiction.

2.  I cannot be fully 'healed' until I come to grips with the pain of my past.  I watched Dr. Oz this week which is not my ordinary habit at 3:00 p.m..  But, I am glad I did turn on the television at this time.  One day Dr. Oz was interviewing Rosie O'Donnell.  Now, I have been a fan of Rosie O'Donnell on and off from the time when was a v-jay comic on VH-1.  I don't currently watch her show on the Oprah channel because I don't have fancy cable.  During the interview she appeared to finally have her shit together.  She's not as manic as she was five or so years ago.  She attributes her turn-around to bio-identical hormone replacement therapy promoted by Suzanne Somers.  She is also in a new relationship and has incorporated some healthy eating habits.  What struck me most about her interview was her honesty with Dr. Oz.  She said she was avoiding talking to him because of her weight.  She also revealed that people who have been abused use food to comfort themselves and cover themselves.  Acting as a mask, belly fat that hangs over your waist is hiding your genitals.  It is disguising the source of your pain so you don't have to look at it and be reminded of your sexual abuse.  Wow, very forthcoming and interesting.  I love the psychology behind that;  Freud might put his stamp of approval on that one.   Definitely food for thought (pun intended).

3.   I don't realize just how big I am because I see myself as me:  intelligent, creative, and kind.  I did not realize that other people first assess me as the obese lady or fat woman.  In a way it doesn't make sense that I would not know that this is how people see me.  It is not how I see myself so how could I know that others see me in a different way?  What's even funnier (or worse) is that I have assessed people the same way, just by their appearance.  I have put labels on people without knowing them personally.  It is shameful.  It is part of this body dysmorphic disorder.  I don't feel like I'm morbidly obese or over 300 pounds on the inside but in reality there is no hiding my physical appearance.  I guess I have to start seeing me the way others do to help me realize I am not healthy.

4.  90% of my life I have been:  chubby, fatso, overweight, obese, or morbidly obese.  In a way my entire life's journey has been stifled by my physical handicap.  My life decisions have revolved around my physical size.  I have altered my dreams and aspirations to accommodate my physical shortcomings.  I came to realize this while reading a friend's blog about her recent vacation to Asia.  The account of her travels and observations about people in different countries and cultures gave me a taste of what my life could be if I were free to explore the world without reservation or inhibition.  I dream about a gondola ride in Venice or a stroll over the famous bridge in Prague but then I'm reminded of the impossibility of transporting my body from this place to there.  Never mind the fact that I'm afraid to fly...but then I wonder, am I afraid to fly because of my size?

5.  After an in-depth, heated discussion/argument with my spouse in which we attack eachothers sore spots and sources of sensitivity I came to realize that while I am responsible for my obesity I do have loved ones who are enablers.  While they may love me and do things for me out of the premise of loving me unconditionally, some of what they do or who they are has 'allowed' me to be the way I am...morbidly obese.  My mother, my husband, my sons have all expressed concern over my health but rather than piss me off because they know how I'll react they continue to love me and (probably) pray that I will make changes on my own volition.  Until then they decide to continue loving me no matter what.  While this may help overall, it also hinders.  I'm not blaming them, I am just recognizing the pain I've caused them over the years.  To love someone so much and worry about their health and how long they'll live is stressful.

As I continue with my weight-loss journey I am eagerly awaiting more revelations.  While I anticipate facing my pain I also know that this is a critical step in becoming a more healthy person.

My motto for the coming week:  One Day at a Time.

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