Ups and Downs

Not much to say these days.

Tired of complaining.

The 'woe is me' story is getting really old and worn-out.

The ups and downs of life are really just what life is all about.  Nothing is going to be perfect.  And, striving for perfection is exhausting.  Seeing life as something great while you're in the pits of despair is nearly impossible.  But, once you climb out of the sinkhole you realize you can do it.  It all comes down to mental dexterity.

Can I change my way of thinking so that I can actually convince myself that there is light at the end of the tunnel?

Is it possible that I have the strength, endurance, and fortitude within my soul to overcome obstacles which I subconsciously put in my own way?

It is so easy to take steps back, go on the wrong path, and fall into the same traps which you may have been released from previously in your life.  Life is a journey of lessons that are presented to you.  If you find yourself facing the same challenges over and over again it is because you have not mastered the lesson.  It's like beating a dead horse; not satisfying, extremely cruel, and socially unacceptable.

But, really, who cares about what others think?  You come into this world alone.  You die alone.  Everything in between, all the people we meet, and opportunities we take or pass on, are all part of OUR lessons to be learned in OUR life.  My life is different than yours and hence my path to enlightenment will be unique to me.

As much as I say I don't care what others think or do I find myself getting angry, jealous, and annoyed by people.  Strangers, acquaintances, friends, family members, pretty much any one I meet or hear about has the potential to incite a negative emotion within me.  Perhaps this just means I am over-sensitive. Or, do I care too much?

Some times I wish I could be the type of self-actualized person who operates solely out of love and light and every thing is 'ohm'.  They have balanced energy and have harnessed the best of 'chi'.  I ponder if this is really where I want to end up at the end of my journey.  If I embrace such a way of living will the REAL ME be lost in the over-abundance of positivity?  Or,  am I just 'made' to be a negative person?

At 46 years old I realize at least half my life is over.  Some days I feel and act like a little girl protected from the evils of the world.  Other days I feel and act like the evils of the world have penetrated my very soul.  I am still not sure why I am here on this earth.  I have no clue if I have contributed any thing of importance (other than my two beautiful sons).  Is my path pre-determined?  Will I end up dying without making an impact?

Life is a series of ups and downs.  It is like the Dragoncoaster at Playland in Rye, New York.  Old, rickety, fast, exciting, scary, exhilarating, twisting, and grinds to a halt just when you are having fun.

Bethenny's Rules

I just finished reading Bethenny Frankel's, A Place of Yes:  10 Rules for Getting Everything You Want Out of Life.  This book is the perfect combination of two of my favorite genres of books:  self-help and autobiography. 

Why do I care what Ms. Frankel has to say you may ask?  Well, I get the feeling that Bethenny tells it like it is, says what's on her mind, and does not sugar-coat reality.  Yes, I admit that I am a fan of reality television and The Real Housewives series is one of my favorite indulgences.  I happen to watch re-runs on the CW at 9:00 a.m. (EST) Monday through Friday whenever I get a chance.  Bethenny happens to be my favorite 'housewife' from the New York episodes.  She is so relatable and down-to-earth.  She has a wry sense of humor.  I love how she kept her cool and stood up to the shenanigans of Kelly Bensimon.

I read another Bethenny Frankel book, Naturally Thin, and found it helpful.  Ms. Frankel's recent business accomplishments with selling her Skinnygirl spirits brand to Fortune Brands for many, many dollars illuminates her as a force to be reckoned with.  She is so open with her background, foibles, and well-deserved rise to the top.  I was definitely curious to find out what her journey to success taught her.  As I read the book I tried to relate events in my life and measure how well I fared with each rule. 

1.  Break the chain.  For the past two years I've been on this journey of realizing I must let go of the past in order to move toward the future with a clean slate.  Learning how to forgive and change my voice has been a challenge but I realize it is the first and most important step.

2.  Find your truth.  Who am I?  What is my authentic self?  What do I really want to do with my life?  Self-exploration and self-awareness is so important for developing a plan and going after what you want in life.

3.  Act on it.  This is where I stumble or cripple myself.  I know I am the one responsible for making things happen.  I can't rely on anyone but myself.  At times it feels like something is missing from my gut.  There is no drive nor ambition.  Fear is swallowing me whole.

4.  Everything's your business.  I love this rule.  It basically says try everything at least once and if it doesn't work out it's okay.  It is a learning experience.  How will you know if you never try?

5.  All roads lead to Rome.  Perseverance even when you may take the wrong turn (or think you may have taken the wrong turn) will lead you to your goal.  Stay focused.  Learn from the hiccups because even in them there is a lesson which will help us get to where we want to be.

6.  Go for yours.  I love that Bethenny recognizes the necessity of first being your own person and fulfilling your needs before you can help others.  As mothers we tend to put everyone elses needs first.  As my kids have gotten older I realize what a better mother I am when I focus on what I want out of my own life.  As I learn to love myself I love others more freely.

7.  Separate from the pack.  I realized my individuality and uniqueness in college.  I embrace my ideas and independence of thought.  I'm not one to be conventional.  I appreciate difference and diversity.  I love that I have freedom to be myself.

8.  Own it.  Boy, I've practiced a lot of truth-telling just by starting this blog and exposing my feelings.  This is how I own it.  Good and bad, this is how I am.

9.  Come together.  Connection with other people?  Not my forte.  This will be a tough nut to crack.  I'm not sure I even like people half the time.  I am very protective of those people whom I care about.  I don't feel the need to tweet and join every social networking outlet.  I don't measure my worth by how many 'followers' or Facebook friends I have.  But, perhaps I see this rule as a challenge because I haven't quite mastered the other rules yet.  I haven't gotten myself 'right'.

10. Celebrate!  It's one word.  It should be so easy.  But, for me, it's not.  When I read this rule I felt a deep sense of regret in the pit of my stomach.  I was never the type of mom to go overboard and have a birthday party for each of my kids where they invited a dozen friends and shared gifts and cake.  I always keep celebrations private and within the family.  They are never extravagant and border on mundane and predictable.  There is no life in the minimal celebrations in my life.  Perhaps, one day, I will find success and happiness such that my celebrations will reflect the positive energy in my life.

But, for now, it appears that I have to start back at rule number one.  No one said that getting everything I want out of life would be easy.  Some paths are longer than others.  Some paths have more roadblocks.  And, even some paths appear to be never-ending.  But, part of coming from a place of yes is BELIEVING in yourself that you can do it.  You can get everything you want out of life.  And, that you DESERVE it!

Required Reading

This may sound lame or strange to some people but every year I get excited to see my son's list of required reading.  Part of the reason is that I get a kick out of going to my local used book store, tracking down the title, and paying a pittance for a decent used book.  The other cause for my eagerness is to see what literary works he'll be tackling and if they reflect what I studied in school way back when.

I hate to say it but this year I'm a little disappointed with 'the list'.  The great thing is that I actually own six of the nine books on the list.  So, I can greatly appreciate that I'll be shelling out a mere pittance from my lean purse.  The disappointment comes into play when we realize he's read a majority of the books.  What's the problem?

Well, to some of you, you don't actually see a problem.  In fact, you may say something like, "Oh great, then he won't have to read it again" or "English will be an easy A for him this year".  And, when I hear comments like that I shudder deep inside.  Some people fail to understand that when you have a child who is an avid reader, who actually enjoys opening a real book (not a Kindle or other electronic gadget), and who consumes and thrives on the words on a page, a syllabus that lists books he's already devoured is like eating a loaf of stale bread.  Totally unappetizing. 

To a person who enjoys the literary world and gets a type of inner fulfillment by sitting down with themselves and a book taking a class to discuss already explored waters can become rote and mundane.  It's not about not having to read it again.  It's not about an 'easy A'.  To an academically gifted person who excels in language arts it is about the discovery of new characters, new worlds, new expressions, and new points of view.

I am on the fence about bringing this point up with his teacher.  I don't want to start off on the wrong foot and dis (disrespect) his teacher's itinerary.  At the same time, I feel I should share my voice, opinion, and concern.  This time, I probably won't say anything too loudly.  Or, perhaps I'll make an inquiry on Parent's Open House night next week and ask what the motivation was to choose the following books:

Anthem by Ayn Rand
Nicolas has not read this although it looks like an interesting story.  We like dystopian fiction.

The Help by Kathryn Stockett
Nicolas has not read this and if it were not on his required reading list I doubt he would choose it.  My mother and I saw the movie this past weekend (we have not read the book).  I'm not sure how closely the movie follows the book but I guess he'll have to muddle through this read.  It does not seem like a story that would intrigue a 14-year-old boy.  The discussion on racism will be the saving grace for this choice.

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night Time by Mark Haddon
Nicolas has not read this but after reading a short synopsis it sounds like this might be a winner.  I'm not sure how this fits in with the curriculum other than to engage in empathy for those with mental disorders?  I may be totally off on this one but I will tackle the book myself.

Persepolis by Marjane Satrapi
Since the format of this book is comic-style Nicolas read this almost five years ago when it was assigned reading for his older brother when he was in tenth grade.  They have since made a movie of which I've seen.

The Odyssey by Homer
Yay, finally, a classic!  Unfortunately, Nicolas read this two summers ago (under his own initiative).  Luckily, he enjoyed it.  We also watched the high school production two years ago.

To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
Another classic, another book that Nicolas already read under his own volition.  The movie is also one of my favorites.

A Raisin in the Sun by Lorraine Hansberry
A classic that Nicolas has not yet read.  There is also a couple of versions of the movie out there so maybe the teacher will engage the class with a viewing?

Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare
Easily one of my favorites.  The movies are great too.  I especially like the creativity of the remake with Claire Danes and Leonardo DiCaprio.  I hope the class gets to incorporate any of the movies in their discussion.  Thankfully, Nicolas appreciates Shakespeare and has read a couple of his other plays.

The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins
Nicolas read the entire trilogy at the beginning of this summer.  His motive was because the movie is being shot in North Carolina and there may have been an opportunity to be a part of the project.  We all enjoyed the books (see previous posts) and we are all looking forward to the movie scheduled for release in March 2012.  Perhaps the teacher is planning a class excursion to the movie theater?  One can only hope!

I am not sure if this list of required reading reflects the skill level of academically gifted ninth graders.  I think there are too many books of contemporary fiction.  Whatever happened to some of my favorite classics like:  The Catcher in the Rye, Lord of the Flies, or A Separate Peace?  Perhaps, they are no longer relevant for class discussion.  My dilemma is and has always been to keep my child interested in school by providing new challenges and interesting material.  At the same time I would like him to get good grades.  And I am forever left with the question:

Is it better to be challenged by difficult material which will enhance your knowledge and test your strengths or is it best to be rewarded with an 'A' by exercising mediocre effort because there is nothing to 'up' your game?

Dog Days of August

August has been brutal so far.  Never mind that it has been near or above 100 degrees for the past month at least 80% of the time there is just a lot to do all of a sudden and I can barely muster up the energy to get through the day.

I stay inside most days because here in Raleigh, NC when it's 100 degrees the humidity makes it feel 10 degrees warmer.  You can cut the heat with a knife and get drenched when venturing out even to your mail box.  This kind of heat gives me a headache and makes me extremely cranky.  

Since I have limited access to transportation (we've been down to one car for over two years now) I have to plan running errands on the weekend (first thing in the morning) or during the week in the afternoon if my husband gets home before 5:00 p.m.  I really don't have that much running around to do, truth be told, since I have limited funds but sometimes I just need to get out for a change of scenery.

This past weekend was 'tax-free'.  Meaning, there was no sales tax charged on certain back to school items and some electronic stuff including computers.  I love saving money but I hate crowds so normally I would bypass such an event because it really doesn't add up to much savings if you factor in the aggravation and time spent in line.  However, this year the tax-free weekend coincided with our need for a new computer for our son who is starting high school in a couple of weeks.  His computer died about two weeks ago.  It was over five years old any way.  I really don't know much about technology (I always shut down when people start spewing out terms that sound like a foreign language that I have no interest in learning).  The whole thing just gets me sick to my stomach. 

So, after checking out BJ's to see if they had something in our price-range and compatible to our needs we headed off to Best Buy.  I hate that store.  But, I will say that they had it 'organized'.  Basically, you stood in line and waited for a salesperson to assist you in answering questions and matching your needs with the 'right' computer for you.  After five minutes or so I lost it.  I had a meltdown in the store and had to walk away.  I cried in a corner.  I just got totally pissed that they try to sell you a computer and then there's all of these 'extras' which in my mind should be included in the original friggin price.  Every time I go there I feel like I get bent over and raped.  Warranties, back up systems, tech support...if you really need that stuff then include it in the first place for Christ's sake!

Other things going on that have caused unnecessary anxiety and made this month smell like a dog (hence my usage of the term 'dog days of August'):

- Having to learn how to use a Flip video camera to record an audition and then submit it online.  As I said before, me and technology just do not click so this caused me many a sleepless night.  Never mind the fact that there were lines to remember, lighting to figure out, practice, and cut after cut.  I'm happy to say we made it and I feel glad that I can cross this off my list.

- Nicolas going to 'Flight School' or orientation this week and then starting high school later this month.  My little boy is venturing out on a new chapter in his academic career.  His schedule looks pretty good.  We've been studying for the SAT this summer and doing some math review so I'm confident that he will do well this year.  He knows how important it is to get good grades so that you have a good GPA and class standing when college application time rolls around.

- Sending my oldest son Justin back for his second year of college next week.  The good thing is it is not as stressful as last year when we ended up over-packing and worrying about everything under the sun.  This year he knows what he needs, he knows we can always bring him any additional items at a later time, and we are all much calmer.  This doesn't mean I will miss him any less but we will all feel an emptiness when he leaves.

- The recent inability for our government representatives to work as a team and put the reputation of America and the needs of its citizens first really has me dragging my butt with a sense of dread.  The manic machinations of Wall Street for the last couple of days in response to the dropping of our credit rating has me worried.  And, it is evident that the global economy and world is responding to America's inability to pull it together.  Everyone will be effected by America's inability to get our act together.

And, as we near the end of the dog days of August we approach the serene, and calming cat days of September.  One can only hope!

(Please note:  This post was created on 8/8/11 and edited/posted on 8/30/2011.)

This Time Last Year Looking Back

It is amazing how much can change in one year.  The contrast between this week and that of last year is so drastic; not quite black versus white but certainly white against a dark, heather gray.

Last year we were feverishly getting Justin ready for his freshman year at college.  Boxes, crates, and duffel bags crowded our dining room for weeks before the morning we left Raleigh and dropped our first-born baby an hour and a half away from home.  The first time our child was on his own.  Nervousness, stress, and anxiety was pretty thick back then.  We just wanted everything to go well and without a hitch.  He made it through the entire year, unscathed, and with passing grades.  We were all happy to have year one under our belts.

This year, by contrast, he's leaving in two days and we have not started to pack.  He knows what to bring and what not to bring.  Basically, last year we over-packed.  This year we are taking the bare basics and if he happens to need something we can always bring it to him in September during Parents Weekend or sooner if it is urgent.  We are all pretty mellow this time around and it is cool.  We will miss Justin just as much, if not more.  But, we know he's only a short drive away.

His first summer home after being on his own went pretty well too.  He worked, hung out with his brother, and pretty much did what he wanted.  I stayed out of his way for the most part and kept the nagging at a minimum.  I'm proud for how much he's matured and conducted himself.  Justin is a great kid but an even better young man.

Most of the change has taken place in our immediate neighborhood.  When we arrived back home after dropping Justin off last year we received terrible news that our neighbor passed away.  I can't believe she's been gone a year already!  Her husband (in his eighties) lived on his own, alone in his 2000 square foot  home up until a month ago.  He had a fall and before we knew it a family member picked him up and moved him to Arizona or somewhere out west.  I feel bad for him and pray that he's coping with his wife's one-year anniversary in heaven.

Our neighbors in the cul-de-sac finally sold their home after listing it on Halloween 2010. This was probably the worst time to list your home.  I knew it was over-priced from the beginning.  Every one should know that the only reason a house doesn't sell is the price.  I believe they ended up reducing their price almost 10% from the original asking price last year.  People just get unrealistic and create a personal attachment to their homes and basically think they are worth more than they really are.  In the past month there has been another four listings sprouting in our neighborhood of 150 or so homes.  This has been the most at one time that I've seen in years. The new neighbors moved in this week.  We haven't met them yet.

The next life-changing moment will come next week when our youngest starts high school.  I cannot stress enough how quickly time flies when you have kids.  I realize now that there is no going back and there are no do-overs.  If I can pass on one thing to the parents of young kids I would stress over and over that you MUST enjoy each and every day with your child.  One day you will look back on the tantrums, sibling arguments, and boo boos and relish in the feeling of being needed by your child.  They grow up way too fast.

Things That Are Not My Cup Of Tea

Yes, many an inspirational book sermonizes the benefits of positivity and love.  While it sounds like an awfully rosy and colorful world if we operated under such a code it is far from realistic.  My theory that in order to reach that higher echelon and continue to ascend the hierarchy of self-actualization one must first clear their mind of all the garbage taking up space.  Call it a mental colonic.  The following are things that irk me, annoy me, bewilder me, or get me pissed off in some way, shape or form.  It is a free-flow list of things that come to mind so there is no rhyme or reason why one might come before or after another.  It is just a random list of things that I've got to get off my chest so that I may embrace my oneness with a more positive outlook on my little world.

1.  Women who smoke during pregnancy.  C'mon people, we know the effects of tobacco not only on smokers but through second-hand smoke.  Do you really have to be that selfish?  Can't you just give up that one addiction for the health and future of your baby for Christ's sake?  I quit smoking months before I got pregnant with my second child.  It was the smartest thing I did.  I believe my conception would have been that much harder had I not conditioned my body properly beforehand.

2.  Tattoos.  I don't care.  Call me judgmental, call me a stuck-up prude.  It just doesn't look nice.  It looks trashy.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I am all about self-expression but decimating your body is not the way to do it.  We finally went to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina for the first time this past year and I was totally turned off by the sheer number of tattoo parlors available to vacation-goers.  Never mind the bikers. Nor the bars.  The place just wasn't my cup of tea.  We did find a few places that were 'acceptable' like Alligator Adventure in North Myrtle Beach or my favorite restaurant, The Sea Captain's House, but overall it was not for me.  Tattoos are tacky, period.

3.  'Tea-Partiers'.  It's bad enough you have conservative Republicans but then you add in the far-right wing, radical element and that just fucks things up for the majority of Americans.  The majority of Americans are middle-class or lower and rely on a government that works for them.  A government that hears them and listens to them.  A government that understands their struggles and empathizes with them.  Keeping in mind the unnecessary, nail-biting delay in raising the debt ceiling it is clear to me that most politicians have no appreciation for America's standing in the global economy and how critical it is for each and every one of us Americans to make decisions that are helpful to Americans.  Not favoring one party over another.  These damn politicians appear to let power get to their heads, they forget the struggles of their constituency, and play a pissing game with our future.  My family is directly effected by the caveats of the agreement and I dread round two of getting nothing done when they assemble their so-called committee.

4.  Sarah Palin and her followers.  For real it is mind-boggling how close America got to having a female dingbat as Vice President.  Yes, I'm sure we've had male dingbats hold positions of power previously (Dan Quayle anyone?) but having this broad represent a powerful, political presence was a scary joke.  Her track record of short-lived stints is ever-present in her attending at least five different college institutions before receiving a degree.  Her tenure as governor of Alaska was a mere 31 months, quitting before the end of her commitment.  Her previous appointment as mayor of Wasilla, Alaska (population 7,800 or so) is equally a joke.  To put this in perspective, Wasilla has about one third the population of Wake Forest, North Carolina.  It is barely twice the size of Rolesville, North Carolina.  That's like me going to the local bar and paying for a round of shots just to win some votes.  I'm sure it wasn't a difficult task to round up the posse back in Wasilla.  Women like Sarah should stop making a joke out of how naive some Americans can be.  It takes away from the real women in power, like Hillary Clinton, who exude the intelligence, commitment, and understanding of the majority of Americans.

5.  Parents who don't discipline their kids, are too lenient with their kids, and are out of touch with their kids.  Parents these days seem to have a hard time keeping their kids in line.  They appear to be out of touch with the critters they brought into this world.  First of all, if you cannot control your kids behavior in any capacity don't take them in public and subject the rest of the world to their unruliness.  It is unfair, rude, and bothersome.  If I'm going to spend my hard-earned money on a night out with my family at a decent restaurant you better make sure I can enjoy it in peace and quiet.  A number of times I have told the hostess not to sit us near any kids.  I try to nip that situation in the bud from the beginning.  It is not necessary to bring the entire brood to the supermarket.  But, if you lack the resources for a sitter or your husband is just an inconsiderate bastard and can't watch the kids for an hour be smart about it.  Give the kids a 'job' to do when you are shopping.  Give them each a coupon and have them find the item.  Or, demand their attention by teaching them how to select the proper fruit or item on your list.  Make it a teaching moment about the cost of items or budgeting.  Assign them a task.  Just because Janey or Johnny wants the newest gadget and 'everyone else has it' does not mean they should as well.  Parents these days are more about avoiding confrontation with their kids by giving in to their every demand.  It is a damn shame.  Parents are trying to be the kids friend and avoid being the 'bad' guy.  For those parents so involved in their own life and social drama that they put their job, love life, or own personal goals before the needs of their children you are to blame.  For by being an 'absent' parent you are adding to the cases of teen pregnancies, teen substance abusers, and wreckless and untimely deaths whether by drugs, suicide or vehicles.  As a parent you can't give your kid a blank pass to experience what they think is their right.  It is not their 'right' it is a privilege.

I'm sure there are a few other things that will come to mind after this rant is published but I'll just store it away in my second helping of things I can't stand the taste of.

Secret Notebook

I have this secret notebook, actually it's one of my kid's old composition books that was barely used, and I've entitled it "Pam's Stuff".  I used to keep it on the nightstand by my bed.  Whenever I read a book I would take note of the title and author.  If the book offered some good advice or insight I could relate to I would jot it down for future reference.  I've only been doing this for the last year or so.

Somehow the notebook made its way downstairs onto my desk and I opened it this afternoon with a feeling of trepidation.  I was not fearful of what I would find per se.  But, I knew that the notebook contained many lists of things that I may have not quite gotten to yet.  Inside I've got a page (or two) called 'Bucket List'.  I've also have a list named '4-Year Plan' which takes up a number of pages. In the past, when we were just starting out as a young family, I had made many a list and most (if not all) of my goal-driven lists contained things that I wanted for my family, and my boys specifically.  But, 'Pam's Stuff' selfishly contains only 'stuff' pertaining to me and what I want and need out of life.  It's about time!

The thing is when I'm in the 'right' frame of mind and composing these lists it brings a feeling of liberation.  I am free to dream and free-think my aspirations no matter how far-fetched they may seem.  After all, they are just for me.  But, on the rare occasion that I open the notebook and revisit the pages I get a feeling of angst.  Somehow I know deep inside that I haven't quite gotten on the bandwagon and exercised my right to be all I want to be.  Opening the notebook is like opening up myself for another disappointment.

'Pam's Stuff' also contains quotes that really caught my attention and summaries of books (usually of the 'self-help' variety) that I plan to return to and can use as a reference for when I need that special pick-me-up.

For instance, I read Queen Latifah's autobiography, Put On Your Crown. She offers a lot of practical advice for increasing your self-esteem and self-confidence in order to follow your dreams.  "The trick is to discover who you are and what your passion is early on, then believe in yourself enough to go for it without compromise."  As a 46-year-old woman it seems that I may have missed the boat on this one.  It is only within the last few years that I think I've found my passion but more importantly is that I found the realization that I knew what my passion was the whole time (or since I was a little girl).  The sad thing is that I let all the crap (and life in general) get in the way of believing in myself to the point where I could go for it without compromise.  I let the 'noise' just get in the way it seems.

Another little nugget from Latifah that I wrote down in my notebook is, "Learning to love yourself is one of the hardest and most important things you'll ever accomplish in your lifetime."  Again, it seems to me that I spent more time hating myself and bullying myself than realizing how much time and pain I would have saved if I had only just accepted me for me.  Good and bad.  Beauty and scars.  It is only in the last few years that I realize we only have the power to change ourselves and in order to do that we must first acknowledge our truth.  We should embrace ourselves without the change first because ultimately we are who we are.  Very few of us change.

So, I turn the page in my notebook and glance at the few notes I took from my attempt to read Rick Warren's, A Purpose Driven Life.  I was unable to finish the book because in my mind it was a little too religious and even made me depressed thinking about death too much.  However, I came across the Five Common Things That Drive Your Life:

1.  GUILT.  Running from regrets; hiding shame manipulated by memories; when the past controls the future; unconsciously punishing yourself by sabotaging success.

2.  RESENTMENT & ANGER.  Holding onto hurts; clam-up or blow-up; learning to let go and forgive.

3.  FEAR.  Afraid to venture out; playing it safe; avoiding risks; self-imposed prison.

4.  MATERIALISM.  Temporary happiness; self worth does not equal net worth.

5.  NEED FOR APPROVAL.  Peer pressure.

I totally see how my life has been 'controlled' by guilt, resentment/anger, and fear.  I may have been a victim of materialism and need for approval a long, long time ago but I've grown, matured, and am over those two.  But, I realize that the other three have really got me by the balls so to speak.

My whole life I've been made to feel guilty.  Growing up Roman Catholic did not hurt although we were not devout in any sense of the word.  It seems that I've carried the guilt over into my adult life and much to my dismay, I may even manipulate my own kids with the 'g' word.  Shame on me.  Shame on you.  Shame on all of us!  Guilt sucks and it can gnaw at your self esteem like a termite goes through an oak tree. I have been a self-imposed victim of guilt my whole life.  The challenge is learning how to stop the madness and reprogram myself to know that I am worthy of everything good in my life and what went wrong in the past is not my fault.

Resentment and anger is just regular fallout when you are the child of a dysfunctional family and an alcoholic.  Holding onto the realization that you are a victim of someone else's selfish endeavors and addictions can really piss you off.  Blaming yourself for not being able to control the chaos belittles your confidence.  The torment and helplessness that builds up over the years can overtake and poison all the good that can be in your life.  I spent the last year and a half learning how to forgive and am taking baby steps to letting go of the poisons of the past.

Fear has never gripped me harder than in the last sixteen years.  Yes, 16 years.  The spectrum of fear that has consumed my life has teetered on paranoia at times.  I've always been a 'careful' person and I am definitely one of those mothers who is overprotective.  Look both ways before you cross the street, or you could get hit by a car and die. Don't touch the handrail on the escalator, or you may pick up someone's germs and get sick.  Don't talk to strangers or walk by yourself, because a predator might kidnap you, rape you, and murder you.  Yes, caution in the extreme.

For myself fear has consumed me my entire life.  Fear of the dark.  Fear of people making fun of me.  Fear of public speaking.  Fear of death.  Fear of men finding me attractive.  Fear of letting go.  Fear of being myself.  Fear of being loved.  Fear of success.  Fear of failure.  Fear of my alcoholic father coming home in a rage and killing us all.  Fear of not getting good grades.  Fear that a client will ask me a question and I won't know the answer.  Fear of being used by people who claim they're my friend.  I rarely leave my house these days not only because it is 100 degrees out but mostly because I fear I will be myself in a world that expects people to conform and be socially acceptable.

Today I realize just how much guilt, resentment/anger, and fear have clouded my existence.  I have let them choke my evolution of becoming who I am meant to be.  My passion was killed by these destructive driving forces.

Will I have the strength and determination to beat these villains and resuscitate what makes me want to live?