Live 4 2 Day!
This is a motivational phrase I have emblazoned on my cell phone and it appears every time I push a button and the screen lights up. Most times I ignore it. It's only when I am changing my wallpaper picture that I pay attention. I mostly want to make sure that this saying does not fade into the background of the picture.
But do I really pay attention to the words, live for today?
No, not really. At least most days. Monday through Friday when I'm inevitably at home doing the same ritualistic things week to week I am just existing. The weekends are a different story, though.
During the weekend is when I have freedom to roam and hang out with my favorite people, my family. I also get to spend time with my best friend, my mom. My mother and I enjoy eachothers company in addition to having the familial connection. We are two different people, separated by a generation. But, we are never afraid to get our feet wet in the others life experience. For instance, we each have an appreciation for the music we grew up with. I am still amazed and proud that my mother never stopped growing in her musical taste when she reached adulthood, got married, and had a family. I don't know many 71-year-olds who would go to a Who/Eric Clapton concert and truly enjoy it. My mother continues to listen to the contemporary rock radio station and can name most of the bands. Similarly, I am well-versed in the music she grew up with in the 50's and have enjoyed many an Elvis song or "Coasters and Friends" revival musical presentation. But, our respect for each other goes beyond music.
We embrace the same mentality of enjoying life within your means and treating yourself well. If this means visiting your favorite store for some retail therapy and indulging in a purchase then so be it. It can also mean venturing out to a new restaurant and experiencing the newness of the atmosphere, service, and food. At times there is a movie I hear about and drag my mother to accompany me. Our record is about 50/50. Half the time I like her cinema choices and half the time she feels neutral about my selections. But, we learn from each other. We are able to retain our distinct personalities. We anticipate the others reaction because we are in tune with our differences.
My mother and I live for the weekends. She escapes from the tediousness of her Monday through Friday job. And, I fulfill the feeling of being a human being on the weekends. We reflect on the past, we plan for the future, but overwhelmingly our motto is "live for today". Especially on the weekends!
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Just For The Sake of It
Writing just for the sake of writing. To some this just doesn't make sense. To writers it is essential to their craft. But, what if you literally have nothing interesting or valuable to write about. Should you still do it?
I've pondered this question since my last post. Should I go the commercial route and talk about all the AVON products (which I sell) that have really made a difference to my beauty routine? Should I talk about the evolution of my preference for cats and my relationships with them? Should I go on and on about how great I think my kids are? Been there, done that. Should I 'copy' other bloggers and share my favorite recipe? Should I just make shit up? No, not really my style although it would be an interesting challenge for me. Should I trash my favorite or least favorite celebrity? Should I step into the world of politics?...And the list of things to talk about goes on and on.
So, when it comes down to it, writing for the sake of writing can actually get your mind racing (if you have the ability to think and type/write at the same time). Oh, the spontaneity of it all. What a glorious feeling to just purge (God, I love that word!) your ever-loving mind. A brain dump, if you will. Oh, what the hell is the term, free-association? No, it's on the tip of my tongue...you know the thing you do with a bunch of people around a table with an easel and someone is writing stuff down as people blurt out shit...oh yeah, BRAINSTORMING! Boy, old age is a bitch!
Anyhow, I'm down to only five posts (after this one) and I need to generate some ideas for what to write about. And, I think this post today, which I wrote just for the sake of it, steered me in a new direction.
Thank you dear brain!
I've pondered this question since my last post. Should I go the commercial route and talk about all the AVON products (which I sell) that have really made a difference to my beauty routine? Should I talk about the evolution of my preference for cats and my relationships with them? Should I go on and on about how great I think my kids are? Been there, done that. Should I 'copy' other bloggers and share my favorite recipe? Should I just make shit up? No, not really my style although it would be an interesting challenge for me. Should I trash my favorite or least favorite celebrity? Should I step into the world of politics?...And the list of things to talk about goes on and on.
So, when it comes down to it, writing for the sake of writing can actually get your mind racing (if you have the ability to think and type/write at the same time). Oh, the spontaneity of it all. What a glorious feeling to just purge (God, I love that word!) your ever-loving mind. A brain dump, if you will. Oh, what the hell is the term, free-association? No, it's on the tip of my tongue...you know the thing you do with a bunch of people around a table with an easel and someone is writing stuff down as people blurt out shit...oh yeah, BRAINSTORMING! Boy, old age is a bitch!
Anyhow, I'm down to only five posts (after this one) and I need to generate some ideas for what to write about. And, I think this post today, which I wrote just for the sake of it, steered me in a new direction.
Thank you dear brain!
Monday, December 5, 2011
Scared of Fishes
At one time, almost 25 years ago, I enjoyed the freedom of being on my own. The freedom to not have anyone directly looking over my shoulder. The freedom to make choices and deal with the consequences. The freedom to figure out how to get things done and to devise my own plan of what will work for me within my time, boundaries, and limitations. I was a small fish in a big pond but I had the freedom to explore the world around me.
Looking back, I must say that this period of my life was when I felt the most vulnerable, unsure, and weary about my future. But, the difference is I was protected from the stresses of the 'real' world. Within my tight community of friends and the college campus there was a comfort to explore my insecurities, my hesitancy, and my undiscovered future. The freedom of being on my own and away from my family, accelerated the friendships and confidantes that I made while at school. As different as we all were, from different parts of the country, from different countries, and from different cultures, we reveled in the similarities we shared. We were a cornucopia of blessed goodness and a melting pot of humanity.
I've been worried these last few months. As a mother who has 'been there, done that' I know what goes on at college campuses. Even though it has been over 20 years, the fundamentals of being human rarely change. Oh sure, technology is light years away from when I hit the college books. For instance, I called my parents once a week on a pay phone. There was no texting or immediate answer given from my folks. If I had a concern I waited for the line to use the phone to dissipate on a Sunday afternoon. And, for the most part, my parents weren't really 'in my business'. They were a two-day drive away from where I was and pretty much trusted that I was doing what I was supposed to do. They always seem to trust me to do the right thing.
So, how is it that I sit and worry that my son, a sophomore at college, is doing all that he is capable of doing to stay on track, bring up his grade point average, and formulate plans for his future career? To be truthful, I fear that he has succumbed to the power of female distraction. Why, oh why, did this day have to arrive? At a time when he should be concentrating on himself and what he wants out of life a female had to snatch him up. My precious little boy is bogged down with the power of the once unknown. No matter how much my husband or I have screamed out the warnings I fear he has lost himself.
I don't know what to do. It's like watching a ship sinking in the distance. You want so badly to swim out in the ocean and rescue the occupants but you're just not equipped with the right stuff. The most you can do is place a call to the authorities and hope for the best.
As a parent, you realize that there are many times your effectiveness as a parent is put on trial. You watch as your children grow up and eventually become adults. They reach milestones and you pat yourself on the back for a job well done. At some point they are old enough to make their own choices and face the consequences. Let's hope that they can swim confidently among the fishes and enjoy the freedom of their world.
Looking back, I must say that this period of my life was when I felt the most vulnerable, unsure, and weary about my future. But, the difference is I was protected from the stresses of the 'real' world. Within my tight community of friends and the college campus there was a comfort to explore my insecurities, my hesitancy, and my undiscovered future. The freedom of being on my own and away from my family, accelerated the friendships and confidantes that I made while at school. As different as we all were, from different parts of the country, from different countries, and from different cultures, we reveled in the similarities we shared. We were a cornucopia of blessed goodness and a melting pot of humanity.
I've been worried these last few months. As a mother who has 'been there, done that' I know what goes on at college campuses. Even though it has been over 20 years, the fundamentals of being human rarely change. Oh sure, technology is light years away from when I hit the college books. For instance, I called my parents once a week on a pay phone. There was no texting or immediate answer given from my folks. If I had a concern I waited for the line to use the phone to dissipate on a Sunday afternoon. And, for the most part, my parents weren't really 'in my business'. They were a two-day drive away from where I was and pretty much trusted that I was doing what I was supposed to do. They always seem to trust me to do the right thing.
So, how is it that I sit and worry that my son, a sophomore at college, is doing all that he is capable of doing to stay on track, bring up his grade point average, and formulate plans for his future career? To be truthful, I fear that he has succumbed to the power of female distraction. Why, oh why, did this day have to arrive? At a time when he should be concentrating on himself and what he wants out of life a female had to snatch him up. My precious little boy is bogged down with the power of the once unknown. No matter how much my husband or I have screamed out the warnings I fear he has lost himself.
I don't know what to do. It's like watching a ship sinking in the distance. You want so badly to swim out in the ocean and rescue the occupants but you're just not equipped with the right stuff. The most you can do is place a call to the authorities and hope for the best.
As a parent, you realize that there are many times your effectiveness as a parent is put on trial. You watch as your children grow up and eventually become adults. They reach milestones and you pat yourself on the back for a job well done. At some point they are old enough to make their own choices and face the consequences. Let's hope that they can swim confidently among the fishes and enjoy the freedom of their world.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Measuring Your Worth
Eight more posts then I will have actually achieved a goal, 52 posts in one year! I have approximately 30 more days to do this and I think I can do it. Heck, after this post I will be down to seven.
When I was a career-girl, in the corporate world, goal setting was an annual occurrence. It was an important step to take for women hungry enough to attempt to climb the male-dominated corporate ladder without having to sleep your way to the top. Having a list of MEASURABLE goals was my ticket to accountability for my accomplishments and justification for a raise, bonus, and promotion. It gave me credibility with my peers and more importantly it sent a message to my boss and the decision-makers that I was a serious, career-minded woman. Being able to sit down with your boss at the end of the twelve months and have documented proof of your contributions to the organization and showing personal improvements and betterments always puts you in a position of power. It is where you reiterate your worth to the company and where you hold the power to negotiate.
Since I left the corporate world in 1996 I have continued to set goals for myself. Because they happen to be devised at the beginning of the year they tend to resemble New Year's resolutions but for the most part, they are goals. Some unattained goals linger year after year. A re-evaluation of the validity of those goals is certainly past due. But, the most important thing I've learned about goal-setting is to make sure they are measurable. Have a timeline associated with it. Have a percentage increase or decrease attached to the goal. Making the goal concise and quantifiable helps to keep it simple, stupid.
So, as I evaluate my progress of 2011 and prepare my commitments for 2012 I plan to keep in mind the validity and achieve-ability of these goals.
When I was a career-girl, in the corporate world, goal setting was an annual occurrence. It was an important step to take for women hungry enough to attempt to climb the male-dominated corporate ladder without having to sleep your way to the top. Having a list of MEASURABLE goals was my ticket to accountability for my accomplishments and justification for a raise, bonus, and promotion. It gave me credibility with my peers and more importantly it sent a message to my boss and the decision-makers that I was a serious, career-minded woman. Being able to sit down with your boss at the end of the twelve months and have documented proof of your contributions to the organization and showing personal improvements and betterments always puts you in a position of power. It is where you reiterate your worth to the company and where you hold the power to negotiate.
Since I left the corporate world in 1996 I have continued to set goals for myself. Because they happen to be devised at the beginning of the year they tend to resemble New Year's resolutions but for the most part, they are goals. Some unattained goals linger year after year. A re-evaluation of the validity of those goals is certainly past due. But, the most important thing I've learned about goal-setting is to make sure they are measurable. Have a timeline associated with it. Have a percentage increase or decrease attached to the goal. Making the goal concise and quantifiable helps to keep it simple, stupid.
So, as I evaluate my progress of 2011 and prepare my commitments for 2012 I plan to keep in mind the validity and achieve-ability of these goals.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Clean Up, Purge, End of the Year Feeling
So, there was quite a mess to clean up after the recent holidays. I spent today vacuuming, dusting, mopping, doing laundry, organizing, stripping (the bed), sweating, and hurting. I didn't even make a dent. There is still so much I can do and want to do but my body said, "Nooooo..."
It's funny but when I was a young mother of young children and staying at home I had so much energy. Every day I paid special attention to make sure chores were done. Bathrooms were cleaned once a week. Laundry was done twice a week. Linens were changed more frequently. Things just seemed a little brighter. Now that I am an older stay-at-home mom with older children I just can't do as much. My enthusiasm is lackluster and my energy is easily depleted. I am at the point (as evidenced by the blog post) to resort to announcing all my accomplishments for the day just to give myself a pat on the back and justification for putting my body through this torture.
Okay, so now that I got that off my chest...I must divulge this strange feeling that I get at this time of the year. It is difficult to explain but I will try my best. I envision the monthly calendar as a clock. Visualize, if you can, that January would be 12:00, the symbol of a new beginning. February would be 1:00, and so on. Every year as we approach December I get this feeling within the pit of my stomach that time is running out and I am at the end of a cycle. I think about all of the resolutions or goals that I set at the beginning of the year and whether or not I've achieved them. I think about all of the things that occurred during the year and if they are open-ended how to resolve them, quickly.
On the bright side, and more importantly, I see past the darkness of the closing of one year and look toward the shining light and blossoming opportunity of a new, fresh year. A year that is unscathed and virginal. A year that holds promise for opportunities to jump over hurdles, cross the finish line, and fulfill my dreams. A new year signifies a new beginning for me. It offers hope and a second chance. It is a step in the light of positivity.
So, for the next couple of weeks while I wallow in the shades of darkness and December, closing the chapter on another year of some successes and some failures, I'm able to overcome the challenges and see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I will give myself another shot. Another mulligan. An act of redemption at the prospect of rebirth. I will fulfill my December duties to the best of my ability so that I may enter the new year with a new attitude and positive perspective.
December is a time to revisit the events of the past year. It is a time to do the accounting of receipts, obligations, and compensation in preparation for paying the piper on April 15th. I can selfishly become introspective as I evaluate my progression as a human being. I take the time to envision what will make me happy and content. I see my surroundings in a critical light and note changes that would benefit the energy of our family. Call it a feng shui inventory of sorts. Most importantly, I invest the time in myself. I try to figure out the formula for what will give me inner peace and joy.
When I solve the equation, I'll let you know.
It's funny but when I was a young mother of young children and staying at home I had so much energy. Every day I paid special attention to make sure chores were done. Bathrooms were cleaned once a week. Laundry was done twice a week. Linens were changed more frequently. Things just seemed a little brighter. Now that I am an older stay-at-home mom with older children I just can't do as much. My enthusiasm is lackluster and my energy is easily depleted. I am at the point (as evidenced by the blog post) to resort to announcing all my accomplishments for the day just to give myself a pat on the back and justification for putting my body through this torture.
Okay, so now that I got that off my chest...I must divulge this strange feeling that I get at this time of the year. It is difficult to explain but I will try my best. I envision the monthly calendar as a clock. Visualize, if you can, that January would be 12:00, the symbol of a new beginning. February would be 1:00, and so on. Every year as we approach December I get this feeling within the pit of my stomach that time is running out and I am at the end of a cycle. I think about all of the resolutions or goals that I set at the beginning of the year and whether or not I've achieved them. I think about all of the things that occurred during the year and if they are open-ended how to resolve them, quickly.
On the bright side, and more importantly, I see past the darkness of the closing of one year and look toward the shining light and blossoming opportunity of a new, fresh year. A year that is unscathed and virginal. A year that holds promise for opportunities to jump over hurdles, cross the finish line, and fulfill my dreams. A new year signifies a new beginning for me. It offers hope and a second chance. It is a step in the light of positivity.
So, for the next couple of weeks while I wallow in the shades of darkness and December, closing the chapter on another year of some successes and some failures, I'm able to overcome the challenges and see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I will give myself another shot. Another mulligan. An act of redemption at the prospect of rebirth. I will fulfill my December duties to the best of my ability so that I may enter the new year with a new attitude and positive perspective.
December is a time to revisit the events of the past year. It is a time to do the accounting of receipts, obligations, and compensation in preparation for paying the piper on April 15th. I can selfishly become introspective as I evaluate my progression as a human being. I take the time to envision what will make me happy and content. I see my surroundings in a critical light and note changes that would benefit the energy of our family. Call it a feng shui inventory of sorts. Most importantly, I invest the time in myself. I try to figure out the formula for what will give me inner peace and joy.
When I solve the equation, I'll let you know.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
I Don't Like Holidays
Something about holidays, most things about holidays, I don't like. When it comes down to it, it all seems so fake. It's bad enough that you have the Hallmark holidays like Mother's Day and Father's Day where the main beneficiary is business and commerce.
We just got bullied by the food and grocery stores who, with at least a month of preparation and media-hype before the big day, took advantage of our emotional baggage and family obligations and 'made' us spend way too much and eat like gluttons on Thanksgiving.
Now we are less than one month from the mother of all holidays, Christmas. This year I am staging a mini-revolt. I am not going to piss away $40 on a Christmas tree. In fact, I will not put one up this year. I did not venture to the stores and malls on Black Friday. And, in the end, I will put a cap on the spending per person in my immediate family; about $30 per person. This will include a $25 gift card to Target and maybe some cologne or shower gel from AVON. Very cheap. Very practical. The reality is...WE DON'T NEED ANYTHING! And, besides, we don't have the money to be throwing here and there on nonsense. Luckily the boys are old enough where they pretty much have every thing they need and are content with what the holiday will consist of. I already gave them fair warning.
I've never been one to go all out with the holiday decorating. I can't understand the folks who spend the day after Thanksgiving adorning their homes with lights and picking up their Christmas tree. Seems as bit extravagant and useless to me. Now, I'm not entirely a Scrooge. I will admire the pretty lights when I drive around town during this time of year. But, I never understood those people who have the manger, lights on the house and every tree in the front yard, and an inflatable snowman, Santa, and Rudolph taking up space on their lawn. A bit of overkill if you ask me.
While I was growing up, we did have lights on our house and maybe on one of the evergreen trees in our front yard. We would always have a fresh wreath with a plump red bow hanging on the front door. I can remember most Christmases with a fresh tree. We would hang the lights, put on the decorations, and either finish the tree off with some tinsel or spray it with fake snow. Most times the decorating went off without a hitch but as we got older it was more of a chore and a dreaded event as our family grew more depressed and further apart.
I think I've done okay as a parent in making holidays positive but I never went overboard. And, maybe I feel a little guilty about this. But, again, the whole exercise seems fake to me and I'm just not about fake. I want my kids to have enough of a positive outlook on the holidays so they can share and make their own traditions with their families when the time comes. I realize that I am falling short on making the holidays 'spectacular'. It is so hard for me to get in the mood to celebrate. But, it doesn't mean I love my family any less.
The bottom line is the message that we are trying to get through to each other at the holidays: love and family. It's not about presents or cards or how much money we spend (or don't spend).
We just got bullied by the food and grocery stores who, with at least a month of preparation and media-hype before the big day, took advantage of our emotional baggage and family obligations and 'made' us spend way too much and eat like gluttons on Thanksgiving.
Now we are less than one month from the mother of all holidays, Christmas. This year I am staging a mini-revolt. I am not going to piss away $40 on a Christmas tree. In fact, I will not put one up this year. I did not venture to the stores and malls on Black Friday. And, in the end, I will put a cap on the spending per person in my immediate family; about $30 per person. This will include a $25 gift card to Target and maybe some cologne or shower gel from AVON. Very cheap. Very practical. The reality is...WE DON'T NEED ANYTHING! And, besides, we don't have the money to be throwing here and there on nonsense. Luckily the boys are old enough where they pretty much have every thing they need and are content with what the holiday will consist of. I already gave them fair warning.
I've never been one to go all out with the holiday decorating. I can't understand the folks who spend the day after Thanksgiving adorning their homes with lights and picking up their Christmas tree. Seems as bit extravagant and useless to me. Now, I'm not entirely a Scrooge. I will admire the pretty lights when I drive around town during this time of year. But, I never understood those people who have the manger, lights on the house and every tree in the front yard, and an inflatable snowman, Santa, and Rudolph taking up space on their lawn. A bit of overkill if you ask me.
While I was growing up, we did have lights on our house and maybe on one of the evergreen trees in our front yard. We would always have a fresh wreath with a plump red bow hanging on the front door. I can remember most Christmases with a fresh tree. We would hang the lights, put on the decorations, and either finish the tree off with some tinsel or spray it with fake snow. Most times the decorating went off without a hitch but as we got older it was more of a chore and a dreaded event as our family grew more depressed and further apart.
I think I've done okay as a parent in making holidays positive but I never went overboard. And, maybe I feel a little guilty about this. But, again, the whole exercise seems fake to me and I'm just not about fake. I want my kids to have enough of a positive outlook on the holidays so they can share and make their own traditions with their families when the time comes. I realize that I am falling short on making the holidays 'spectacular'. It is so hard for me to get in the mood to celebrate. But, it doesn't mean I love my family any less.
The bottom line is the message that we are trying to get through to each other at the holidays: love and family. It's not about presents or cards or how much money we spend (or don't spend).
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Releasing the Bug
I should be sleeping right now. But I am not.
The husband got up early today (5:15 a.m.) to get the kid ready for school. I should be sleeping in when it's his turn, but here I sit in front of the computer. Even with a migraine (I took Excedrin) and no tea or vittles I still feel compelled to expunge what has been weighing on my mind for the past week. You see, it is in my best interest to do this.
It has been a week since NANOWRIMO began and I started my challenge. I completed two chapters of my novel so far. But, then I stopped. I haven't been able to write since last Thursday. You see, I made a mistake. A huge mistake.
On the evening of day one when I finished my first chapter I was so excited to share it with the people close to me. The folks I love and trust. I shared it with my son, as I usually share my writing accomplishments. His reaction was genuine and filled with encouragement. I then chose to show it to my other biggest supporter, my mother. But, before I did that I showed it to my Aunt; big mistake.
My Aunt had been visiting for a couple of weeks and she was there, in the same room. I should have went with my first instinct and waited until she left town. (By the way, I totally dislike 'should haves'). But, I was so proud of myself that I actually sat down and began writing and taking my participation in NANWRIMO seriously this year. Here comes another should have...I should have realized that based on my Aunt's reaction (or lack thereof) to all my previously composed essays and poems that sharing this important, pivotal piece may leave me unsatisfied (again). I learned a hard lesson, never ignore your instinct, damn it!
During my Aunt's visit I thought it would be a great idea to catch her up on all my blog posts and what I've been going through and feeling the past year or more. I feel like my writing has been a therapeutic vehicle for me and helped me release the negativity of my past and propelled me to move on and concentrate on the positive in my life. I thought my Aunt would get a better understanding (and appreciation) for why I am the way I am and almost forgive me for my shortcomings. Way too much to expect I finally realize.
After keeping my blue binder of writings for a couple of days and while handing it back to me the most she said was, "I liked your piece on Pepa." That was it. Not, "Hey, you're a pretty good writer" (I would have settled for even that); not even "Now I understand you a little better". Just nothing. No feedback good or bad. I would even have settled for 'bad' feedback. Just something, damn it. But, all I got was nothing. I came to realize that my Aunt is a lousy communicator. She will never tell you how she really feels. She will never tell you what she thinks. Instead, she'll just make a comment on the weather. Neutral and safe.
After day one I was really excited about my progress. I had actually spent time exploring the depths of my soul and divulging my childhood experiences. I was proud at how well I captured a pivotal point in my life. I wanted to share it with the people I love. I decided to give her a second chance. To see if maybe this piece of writing would trigger some emotion. To see if it would warrant a measurable comment. The only thing I got was, "Why are you writing about dead people?!" Are you kidding me? She just doesn't get it. At that point I realized my Aunt is not worthy of sharing my work. I will not get the support I need. There is no encouragement to be found in that lot. That lot is vacant. Such a huge disappointment!
The next day I emailed my mother to explain my frustration with the response I received the previous evening. Luckily for me, she explained her reaction and made me feel that the fact that I hit a nerve with my mother and captured the details accurately was incentive enough for me to proceed. Wisely, she offered that I should forget involving my Aunt in my initial audience of first-draft critics. This was enough salve on my wound to move on and on day two I was able to produce chapter two.
But, as in most things that bother me, my Aunt's reaction (or lack thereof) festered in my brain for the next couple of days until this morning. This morning I realized that in order for me to get back to the task at hand (participating in NANWRIMO) I must purge my disappointment and sadness about my unfulfilled expectations about my Aunt. I think I just hit the tip of the iceberg but I've chipped away at it enough for me to begin chapter three. No doubt, there will be more blog posts about my Aunt in the future. I just don't see how I can justify the time spent on her right now when I have better things to do, like write.
If I am not worthy of constructive criticism then she is not worthy of me putting my dreams on hold and pouting about how disappointed I am. I must get over it and move on. Forget her.
Things I have learned from this recent experience:
1. You can't teach an old dog new tricks.
2. The only opinion that matters is your own.
3. Having expectations sometimes lead to disappointment.
4. Don't ask unless you are willing to hear the truth.
5. Unconditional love comes from those closest to you.
6. Your most trusted and honest critic is yourself.
7. Don't ignore your intuition; it is usually correct.
8. Family can be disappointing.
9. Not everyone will be your cheerleader.
10.In the end, the only person you can truly rely on is yourself.
Now that I have purged my system of what has been bugging me I am free to continue my journey.
And, I shall wish myself, "Good Luck!"
The husband got up early today (5:15 a.m.) to get the kid ready for school. I should be sleeping in when it's his turn, but here I sit in front of the computer. Even with a migraine (I took Excedrin) and no tea or vittles I still feel compelled to expunge what has been weighing on my mind for the past week. You see, it is in my best interest to do this.
It has been a week since NANOWRIMO began and I started my challenge. I completed two chapters of my novel so far. But, then I stopped. I haven't been able to write since last Thursday. You see, I made a mistake. A huge mistake.
On the evening of day one when I finished my first chapter I was so excited to share it with the people close to me. The folks I love and trust. I shared it with my son, as I usually share my writing accomplishments. His reaction was genuine and filled with encouragement. I then chose to show it to my other biggest supporter, my mother. But, before I did that I showed it to my Aunt; big mistake.
My Aunt had been visiting for a couple of weeks and she was there, in the same room. I should have went with my first instinct and waited until she left town. (By the way, I totally dislike 'should haves'). But, I was so proud of myself that I actually sat down and began writing and taking my participation in NANWRIMO seriously this year. Here comes another should have...I should have realized that based on my Aunt's reaction (or lack thereof) to all my previously composed essays and poems that sharing this important, pivotal piece may leave me unsatisfied (again). I learned a hard lesson, never ignore your instinct, damn it!
During my Aunt's visit I thought it would be a great idea to catch her up on all my blog posts and what I've been going through and feeling the past year or more. I feel like my writing has been a therapeutic vehicle for me and helped me release the negativity of my past and propelled me to move on and concentrate on the positive in my life. I thought my Aunt would get a better understanding (and appreciation) for why I am the way I am and almost forgive me for my shortcomings. Way too much to expect I finally realize.
After keeping my blue binder of writings for a couple of days and while handing it back to me the most she said was, "I liked your piece on Pepa." That was it. Not, "Hey, you're a pretty good writer" (I would have settled for even that); not even "Now I understand you a little better". Just nothing. No feedback good or bad. I would even have settled for 'bad' feedback. Just something, damn it. But, all I got was nothing. I came to realize that my Aunt is a lousy communicator. She will never tell you how she really feels. She will never tell you what she thinks. Instead, she'll just make a comment on the weather. Neutral and safe.
After day one I was really excited about my progress. I had actually spent time exploring the depths of my soul and divulging my childhood experiences. I was proud at how well I captured a pivotal point in my life. I wanted to share it with the people I love. I decided to give her a second chance. To see if maybe this piece of writing would trigger some emotion. To see if it would warrant a measurable comment. The only thing I got was, "Why are you writing about dead people?!" Are you kidding me? She just doesn't get it. At that point I realized my Aunt is not worthy of sharing my work. I will not get the support I need. There is no encouragement to be found in that lot. That lot is vacant. Such a huge disappointment!
The next day I emailed my mother to explain my frustration with the response I received the previous evening. Luckily for me, she explained her reaction and made me feel that the fact that I hit a nerve with my mother and captured the details accurately was incentive enough for me to proceed. Wisely, she offered that I should forget involving my Aunt in my initial audience of first-draft critics. This was enough salve on my wound to move on and on day two I was able to produce chapter two.
But, as in most things that bother me, my Aunt's reaction (or lack thereof) festered in my brain for the next couple of days until this morning. This morning I realized that in order for me to get back to the task at hand (participating in NANWRIMO) I must purge my disappointment and sadness about my unfulfilled expectations about my Aunt. I think I just hit the tip of the iceberg but I've chipped away at it enough for me to begin chapter three. No doubt, there will be more blog posts about my Aunt in the future. I just don't see how I can justify the time spent on her right now when I have better things to do, like write.
If I am not worthy of constructive criticism then she is not worthy of me putting my dreams on hold and pouting about how disappointed I am. I must get over it and move on. Forget her.
Things I have learned from this recent experience:
1. You can't teach an old dog new tricks.
2. The only opinion that matters is your own.
3. Having expectations sometimes lead to disappointment.
4. Don't ask unless you are willing to hear the truth.
5. Unconditional love comes from those closest to you.
6. Your most trusted and honest critic is yourself.
7. Don't ignore your intuition; it is usually correct.
8. Family can be disappointing.
9. Not everyone will be your cheerleader.
10.In the end, the only person you can truly rely on is yourself.
Now that I have purged my system of what has been bugging me I am free to continue my journey.
And, I shall wish myself, "Good Luck!"
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