Fail...again

Yup, tomorrow is June 1st and I fail...again.

Okay, so what about my progress on the weight-loss front after a few weeks ago I totally take a humongous step on the scale and publicly divulge my actual weight?  Nada...nothing...has changed.  My attitude is the same...crappy.  Time has flown by since April and I totally failed.  It is so frustrating.

Failure number two?  My goal for May.  Writing every day for one month?  I couldn't even accomplish that one commitment.  So sad and pathetic.  It is harder than you think to write every day because you end up second-guessing yourself.  In the end what I should have done (god, I hate "should-haves") is just written whatever was on my mind.  But, I just didn't think it was worth it.  I didn't think I was worth it.  Another pity party begins and ends.  Pathetic.

So, last night I watch the first episode of "Extreme Makeover:  Weight-loss Edition".  I never even watched the regular "Extreme Makeover" but I was specifically interested in what I could learn from a show that follows the year-long transformation of one 'super-obese' person.  (A 'super-obese' person is someone who exceeds 50% body mass/fat.)  I happen to be on the threshold of that classification.  I was hoping to get inspired, helpful hints, and re-energized in my own journey (a lifetime one at this point).  But, I was disappointed.  The show didn't go deep enough into how to unwrap the psychological layers of why we eat ourselves to death.  Why a beautiful and accomplished person (in other areas of their life) just can't gain control over their physical being.  I shared the pain of Rachel as she embarks on her first work out where she's about to give up, insisting she can't push herself to go faster on the bike at her trainer's insistence.  I related to her ability to reach deep inside and decide she can overcome the obstacle and have faith that her body can reach the next level of effort.

Two weeks ago, while the "Biggest Loser" was winding down and advertising for new contestants, I took the step to get information on how to submit my information.  I realized that the application process alone takes a huge commitment from prospective applicants.  But, after seeing the finale and the progress of all of the contestants it inspired me to at least start the process.  It was pure irony, as I chose to see it, that last week one of my daily AVON representative specials was a Flip video camera.  You see, one of my obstacles in talking myself out of going for the "Biggest Loser" was the fact that I do not own a video camera.  And, now I didn't have an excuse.  I also justified the purchase by agreeing to share it with my son, Nicolas, who has expressed an interest in creating videos.  So, now I'm just waiting for the camera to arrive.  Even if I don't get my application done in time for the next season of BL I can always try out for the one after that.  And, if I don't make it at least I will have documentation of my current physical state which may just inspire me to do something on my own!

So, tomorrow is June 1st, damnit!  A new month for a new beginning.  So, maybe my goal isn't to post a blog every single day during June but maybe I should go back to blogging at least once per week.  And, maybe I can't lose 60 pounds by my birthday (June 21st).  But, maybe I can begin walking 20 minutes at least 3 times a week to start.  And then increase my time and commitment each week.  Maybe I take it one day at a time.  And, try to do better the next day if I should fail.  Maybe I should have more faith in myself.  Maybe I will realize:

  

It's never too late to have the best years of your life. You're writing your own story, You're in charge of the plot. Make each chapter better then the last. You're only limited by your imagination. And your will. You may not hit every target but you won't hit any if you don't shoot.

Thanks, Lisa Hanson Greifinger, for posting this quote on your Facebook status today.  It spoke to me.